'I enjoy swinging parties — there's nothing shameful about it'

From bromance to throuples, friendship to marriage, asexuality to kink life, Amanda Cassidy examines the alternatives to “traditional” romantic connections

Pic: iStock

Yasmin Benoit says people think her asexuality is a lifestyle choice like celibacy, rather than an orientation.

“There’s a misconception that romance and sex is the pinnacle of human connections. If you don’t have these, people assume you are incapable of love and affection,” the activist and model explains. “I experience relationships purely as platonic, but they can be intimate and long-lasting. 

Yasmin Benoit is a model, asexual activist and author.

The unfortunate stereotype seeps into the way asexuality is perceived in the media as cold or robotic. That’s not the case at all. I don’t experience sexual attraction. But I’m not broken. It’s not a mental illness, a side effect or a personality flaw.” 

Suspicion when it comes to relationships that sometimes defy convention isn’t unusual. Unsettling the norm when it comes to forming bonds can even intimidate.

“As humans, we need to connect, and often those connections will take different forms, explains relationship therapist David Kavanagh. “Love is a commitment. But it’s not just a feeling we get from being a person. The spark that’s there at the start, that physical intimacy can be powerful, but it doesn’t usually last. Staying after that’s gone is a choice. Healthy companionship generally involves loyalty and commitment, as well as respect and fun.” And though he believes our attitudes to relationships are becoming more open, for Kavanagh, it’s more about how comfortable that might be for an individual or a couple.

“I think what works for some people doesn’t work for others. There are some people in long-term monogamous relationships that feel extremely fulfilled. For others, that makes them miserable. Some prefer to live an open lifestyle when it comes to relationships. Some choose none of the above. It depends on the level of connection you are seeking, once your boundaries are being respected.” 

But what about more fluid connections? 

Alternative relationships like throuples or triads have skyrocketed in public awareness in recent years thanks to shows like the Netflix series, The Politician. Celebrities such as Jada Pinkett Smith have also spoken more freely about having relationships with more than one person at a time.

These polyamorous relationships or other forms of ethical non-monogamy are becoming more widely spoken about with the so-called rise of Swingfluencers on social media bringing what was traditionally seen as ‘seedy’ to the mainstream.

38-year-old Dubliner Graham Kelly works in the security industry. He became involved with the adult sex scene when he was nineteen.

Graham Kelly has been involved in the adult sex scene in Ireland since he was about nineteen.

“I’m involved with swinging, group sex, BDSM, orgies and sex parties,” he explains. “I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for more than one individual relationship at a time, so I describe myself as emotionally monogamous. So while I date one person at a time, if they agree, we’d invite others into the bedroom.” 

10 years ago, Kelly realised that Ireland was lacking in high-end events for swingers and group sex. He began holding his own events and is now heavily involved in the community, which includes promoting awareness and safety.

“Everyone has their own barometer when it comes to what they consider alternative,” he points out. “None of it is seedy to me. Obviously, there are those with a misunderstanding of what this lifestyle is about or there are those predatory individuals that may come with the wrong idea, but we are a huge community that’s very supportive and positive. There’s nothing hidden, no lying or cheating or pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes. Shame has been a huge problem in Irish society for generations. That’s why I’m so open. There’s nothing shameful about exploring and enjoying fantasies in a safe, consensual way with like-minded people. I obviously don’t go around wearing a banner, but equally, I’m not doing anything wrong. 

Some call it taboo or beyond the pale, but I’ve met some of my most enduring relationships and friendships within the scene.” 

Kelly also points out that it’s not always the Eyes Wide Shut experience some imagine. 

“There are parties that cater to that with masks etc., but there are other parties that are as random as having people in tracksuits. There’s everything from some who enter the scene once or twice just to scratch a sexual itch or fantasy they might have. Others keep going. Often it’s just about finding connections in common. People bond over sharing their fantasies with one another. They might want to try something, but want a safe and controlled environment. We see every type of person from a High Court Judge and his wife, to police-officers, janitors and doctors.”

Sexual bonds

For professional dominatrix, Clarity Mills, bonds and relationships are rooted in intimacy. So it’s not surprising that how we relate to others can be as a result of early sexual experiences.

“Kinks and fetishes are extreme ways of processing some of those experiences; reliving them, reclaiming them, recalibrating them,"  the LA-born, Ireland-based dom explains. “We can’t ignore the Pavlov effect and conditioning – the power of first experiences when it comes to eroticism – is hard to redirect those feelings without processing them. In this case through play. Not all kink is sexual – a lot is about power dynamics and how that manifests.” 

Now Clarity works as a type of sexual life coach when it comes to helping clients move past sexual dysfunction.

“I work with everyone from men who have had prostate cancer to women with birth trauma or couples wanting to improve their sex life,” she says. 

“I meet a couple for coffee in a café and talk about what it is they want to work on or what their kinks might be, or where it may have originated from. Then I’ll give them reading assignments like homework, research and books depending on what topics are holding them back. If they have more self-destructive or shame-based kinks, I try to channel those into more constructive channels. But it’s more than just that. I have friendship around those I work with. We form a rapport over time - based around compassion that allows trust to be built.” 

And isn’t that what we are all looking for in the end? Identifying a commonality, seeking understanding, and relating to other like-minded people?

Benoit agrees, but she also doesn’t necessarily want to centre her entire future around those relationships.

“I don’t think that far ahead in general, but I’m not bound by that specific thing. My own self-development is a priority right now. I’m financially sustained and independent. I’m happy and fulfilled at the moment. I have never had sex and it’s not on my to-do list. If anything," she adds, "it probably saves me a lot of time.”