Anna Clifford: 'My mind has told me that I don't deserve to be here, to live'

Anna Clifford, star of RTÉ Player's Ireland's Perfect Pubs

For the first few years of my life, I lived in a communal house in Howth with multiple families.

They were all working in yoga or holistic medicine — it was really fun to be a child of that. That’s where I got my creative streak, because I got to play with lots of other kids and put on shows for the parents.

I went to a multi-denominational school in Kilbarrack. That wasn’t very common back in the day. My family wasn’t religious. I really wanted to be like all my friends and have to go to church every Sunday.

I actually started going to mass with a friend’s family when I was eight or nine because I genuinely felt like I was missing out on something. I went a couple of times and realised that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

We’re always trying to get back to that spirituality we had as kids where we didn’t care about being cringy, asking questions, or speaking our minds. We didn’t know that could be embarrassing or wrong. Shame comes later on.

I have faced multiple challenges but in the grand scheme of things, I’m incredibly lucky and fortunate. 

I have always battled against my own mind since the age of 12. Over the past few years, I have really enjoyed learning about my own mind — how it works and how to be kind to myself.

Multiple times, over the course of my life, my mind has told me that I don’t deserve to be here, to live. It would be easier to give up. It’s a constant battle of self-love and believing in yourself at times when it’s gone completely dark.

I’m proud that I’m still here, that I can show up for myself, and that I’m a good friend, and daughter.

I started working for myself over a year ago now. I think that’s pretty huge.

You chase the big things and feel like it’s the be-all-end-all and actually, when we get something, it’s like; ‘What next?’ I’m incredibly proud that I put on my first-ever Irish show in Edinburgh last year, that was a big milestone for me.

I’m in my 30s now. My career is going well and I’m happy with personal stuff. I don’t have a house or kids or a husband — that would obviously be an amazing achievement but I don’t want to focus on that because it’s not like my life is lacking in anything. If that happens, it’s an add-on.

I’m quite calm. I can listen to people and I care. Sometimes I care for people who don’t need it. I’ll be sitting on a bus and see an old man and I’ll be worried about him.

Anna Clifford on Inis Mór for Ireland's Perfect Pubs

I’m a Cancer; watery and emotional.

When I need advice, I go to my dad before I go to Google. Both of my parents are very wise.

I’m a massive existentialist. I spent so long trying to figure out why we’re here, trying to put meaning into every little thing. I’d look for signs and try and piece it all together and actually, it’s impossible.

I sometimes get worried because when you’re sharing about yourself, that’s a vulnerable place to be. I’m slow to put personal stuff online because it’s more permanent rather than in a live performance.

We all relate to people being their true selves but you have to protect yourself at the same time.

If you’ve gone through something, and you want to share it, you have to process it. If you’re still in the middle of being hurt, it’s not the best place to share from.

I was recently talking to a friend about obituaries because I just laugh when I read or hear them. We idolise people; we forget their flaws.

I’m temporarily back at home with my mum and dad and I’m a massive pain in the hole. I’d like to be remembered as ‘fun and loving’ and ‘a bit of a pain in the hole.’

This is such a corny cliché but I wouldn’t change anything from my past. Maybe I could have enjoyed my 20s a bit more if I didn’t have all those insecurities.

I’m not going to preach that I’m a completely slow fashion person. I have a lot of clothes. I have kept everything since I was 15; once I buy something, I adore it. My mum is amazing at altering clothes.

I’m always reimagining stuff. The night before I go to a wedding, I’m like; ‘I think this blazer needs to be cropped’ and my mum will do it.

In lockdown, I got really into gardening. My dad taught us the value of growing your own food, he has an allotment.

The news surprises me. It’s important to read it because you think you’ve got a handle on life but the universe has more lessons. 

You have to go to proper news sites so you’re not just getting fed headlines or other people’s re-shares on social media. We think everyone’s on the same page but they’re not.

If I took a different fork in the road, I’d be working in a bar somewhere really hot. If things are really hard, I can always book a flight to Bali.

• Anna Clifford stars in the upcoming RTÉ Player Original show, Ireland’s Perfect Pubs, available from October 25.