Set boundaries, bring in the turf: The survival guide to moving back in with your parents

Sally Gorman and her partner are one of a growing number of couples forced to move back to a family home to save for a mortage. From time out to boundaries, she talks to others in the same boat about making it work

Sally Gorman with her parents Eamonn and Joan at their home in Castlelost West, Rochfortbridge, Co. Westmeath . Ger Rogers Photo

Help! I’m almost 30 and I’ve been living at home with my parents for over a year now, and with the housing and cost-of living crises causing chaos, it doesn’t look like I’m getting out anytime soon.

I’m saving for a house with my fiancé Steven. We moved home from Canada last August. Without any money, but plenty of good memories.

After three amazing years, in a beautiful apartment to ourselves, we decided home is where the heart is and packed our bags. Luckily for us, my parents took us in with open arms, but 13 months later, I’d say they’re ready to give us the boot.

In Toronto, we got used to the comfort of our own condo, so when we arrived back to a bustling bungalow, it was a shock to the system, for all of us.

Sally working from her parents home in Castlelost West, Rochfortbridge, Co. Westmeath. Ger Rogers Photo

In a very short-lived affair, my parents briefly got to experience life as empty nesters before we came back with a bang. And let me tell you, four adults under one roof is no joke especially when there’s only one shower.

Even though we bicker about biscuits and bathrooms, and fall out over Friday night films or the state of the fridge, we will forever be grateful to my parents for taking us under their wing.

Now, despite coming home from Canada with no savings and our tails between our legs, we have managed to save a deposit for our first home, within a year.

We were prepared to kiss our freedom goodbye in a bid to buy a house and it’s paying off. But without our parents, it would not have been possible.

Sally Gorman with her dad Eamonn, sister Faye and mum Joan at their home in Castlelost West, Rochfortbridge, Co. Westmeath. Ger Rogers Photo

In the last few weeks, we’ve secured mortgage approval in principle from two lenders.

However, if we were forced to pay rent on moving home, who knows how long this would have taken. 

The end is near, and the house hunting has begun, but as excited as I am, there is part of me that will miss the madness, and I hope they feel the same.

Steven and I aren’t the only ones in this boat. 

Michaela Quinn and her husband Colin Gavin with Michaela's parents Mary and Nicky

'WE'RE TRYING TO LIMIT OURSELVES AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE'

Co Westmeath woman Michaela Quinn and her husband Colin have been living with Michaela’s parents in Mullingar for almost six months.

The pair married last year and are expecting their first baby together any day now. After years of saving, they are finally on the cusp of moving into their forever home.

“We have been pursuing a property for the last year or so, but we went about it a different way. We approached someone locally who we heard was selling, so we didn’t need to go through an auctioneer.

“It has been a bit more long-winded, but it has paid off.

“We just weren’t in a position to enter into a bidding war,” Michaela admitted.

The couple decided to vacate their rented accommodation in May and shack up with Michaela’s parents to help get themselves over the line and onto the property ladder.

“In order to make that final push, we decided to move home. We needed to save a bit extra and get more money together for the baby.

“If we were still renting, we’d be talking an extra six months at least to get to that end line.

“The market is so competitive at the minute. Its dog eat dog, and it’s vicious,” she said.

The 29-year-old bank clerk has been quite unwell during her pregnancy and has spent a lot more time at home than expected. But the couple are coping better than they thought they would and life at home has been pretty plain sailing.

“There aren’t many arguments in this house. My parents are so easygoing, we are blessed with them.

“When you’re that bit older, it’s like you are roommates, there’s a bit more respect there.

“And I don’t have to watch football with Colin. He has his own man friend to watch that kind of stuff with,” she joked.

Michaela Quinn with her parents Mary and Nicky

Michaela and Colin are incredibly grateful to get this chance to save hard and secure their new home, just in time for their baby’s arrival.

“Mam and Dad are brilliant. All we have to do is pay for shopping every second week,” Michaela said.

But they have had to make some sacrifices along the way.

“Before we knew we were expecting, we’d get a takeaway or go down to the pub. We had a bit of a social life.

“Whereas now, we’re saving so much we’re like ‘what’s on telly tonight, and what treats have we got in the cupboard?’

“We’re trying to limit ourselves as much as possible to get to our end goal,” she said.

However, Michaela knows that when she does move out, she’s going to miss the company.

“When it’s just the two of you in a house and the other person isn’t there, it’s quiet.

“But when you’re living at home there’s always someone there. You’re always making a cup of tea for someone and having a chat,” she said.

Michaela also knows their departure won’t go easy on her parents. “When we go, it will be so much harder for them because we will be taking a baby with us as well. I think they’ll struggle with it.”

As well as being grateful to her parents, Michaela also thanks the pandemic for their position, but she does worry about the younger generation coming up behind her.

“Covid really helped us save money, we were literally doing nothing, but people don’t have that element nowadays.

“If you’re only starting to save now it’s very difficult, especially at our age when you’ve friends getting married and all that kind of stuff.

“In my own family, I’m the oldest of all the cousins, and I’m looking at them all wondering how they are ever going to be able to buy a house,” she said.

'WE RESPECT THEM AND THE HOUSE'

Emer Kelly and her partner Eoghan have been living at home on Emer’s family farm for two-and-a-half years, and Emer believes they could be there for two more.

Emer and Eoghan’s end goal is to build a house, and according to Emer, “living at home is giving us the best chance to save”.

“Building our dream home would be almost impossible if we had to pay rent,” she said.

Aside from having to work early mornings and late nights on the farm, Emer is very grateful to have “a warm house, a warm shower and always food in the presses” while she and Eoghan save for their new build.

Although she finds living at home challenging at times, she says “the pros do outweigh the cons.” However, she understands that their living situation might be more difficult for Eoghan who has upped sticks and moved from his hometown of Bray to Rochfortbridge in Co Westmeath.

“If your partner is living in your home house, they have to get used to your family’s way of living, and the way they do things.

“It’s another way of life, different meals, different schedules, different humours, and different moods. It can take your partner time to adjust,” she said.

While Emer and Eoghan don’t pay rent at home, they pay their dues in other ways.

“We always clean up after ourselves, keep our room clean, do our own washing, bring in turf, things like that. When my parents are away, we look after the farm, we respect them, and we respect the house. But some days, I’m fit to kill them,” Emer joked.

“When it comes to dinner and deciding what you want to eat, sometimes you’d just like to be able to make your own decisions,” she added.

She realises that her situation won’t be forever but sympathises with other young people in similar scenarios. “It’s a stressful process and, in the end, we’ll get there but it is going to be difficult.

“It’s so hard for young people these days. There are so many hoops to jump through, and it’s seriously expensive.

“Your parents say when they were 25, they were married and had their house built and could buy land and set up businesses, but now, that is much more difficult,” she said.

Richard Hogan . Photograph Moya Nolan

'GOOD BOUNDARIES'

According to psychotherapist Richard Hogan, living at home with your parents “can be a positive thing” as long as there are “really good boundaries”.

“If you don’t have good boundaries, it can have a serious impact on a family,” he warned.

Mr Hogan firmly believes respect is the key element to ensure that everything runs smoothly. “You’re moving back into your family home with your parents, and they’re older than they were when you were a child.

“You have to respect the rules and understand that this isn’t a bachelor pad. Your parents are helping you, so have respect for them, and their position and phase in life,” he said.

Mr Hogan acknowledges that moving home won’t be easy but says sometimes you must just “grin and bear it.”

“It is hard, there’s no doubt about it. You’re trying to find your agency, your identity as a couple, and find your way in the world, then all of a sudden, you’re back with your parents.

“But you’ve got to understand that this is a transient time. So sometimes saying nothing and holding your tongue is very important because you’re in someone else’s dynamic, someone’s relationship.

“You have to be more amenable and more compromising because it’s their house. The best of families get on each other’s nerves, even the healthiest functioning families drive each other nuts. That’s just family,” he said.

However, he says “it doesn’t have to be conflict-filled”.

“If you do it properly, it can be a very unique experience. Getting older with your parents can be a lovely time, but ultimately, the end goal is to get on and move on in your lives.

“It’s not healthy to be living with your parents in your 30s and 40s, it’s not great for your confidence and self-esteem.”

According to Mr Hogan, young adults can feel a sense of “going backwards in life” when they move back into the family home, but he believes this shouldn’t be the case. “You’re expected to move out, get a house, and get married. We associate these things with doing well in life.

“So for the young adult who has moved back home, it can feel like you’ve failed or that you haven’t been able to fly the nest, but that’s not correct.

“We are living in a remarkably different time and there’s nothing wrong with going back to your parents to start saving and to get yourself together because you will launch out there in a year or two.”

Offering some advice to young adults, he said, “Watch how you talk to yourself. A lot of young adults feel ashamed and that’s not the correct emotion to feel around this.”