A guide to dating as a single parent: When to swipe left and when to swipe right

In their new book, How To Be A Happy Single Parent, authors Rebecca Cox and Zoe Desmond show mothers and fathers going it alone not just how to survive – but how to thrive

'But as you find your feet as a single parent, you’ll realise that you’re even more of a catch as the brilliant, independent single parent that you’ve become.'

Single parents, and more frequently single mums, get a lot of press. All too often, it’s tragic tales of adversity, frequently accompanied by the words “broke”, “helpless”, and “desperate”.

One former British prime minister even described the children of single mothers as “ill-raised, ignorant, aggressive and illegitimate” in a column, despite having left a string of single mother exes in his wake.

The narrative of the single parent has all too frequently been that of one to be pitied, shamed, judged or ridiculed. Success stories cite single parenthood as something that has been “overcome” or “endured”. 

There are lots of stories that carry the headline “From Single Mum to [insert literally anything else]”. The suggestion here is that starting out as a “single mum” is literally the worst possible start, and achieving anything from such a low starting position would be a win.

In the context of dating, having kids is often referred to as “baggage”. But in reality, kids are only baggage if you see them that way yourself.

It’s amazing when you’re dating at a slightly older age how many people make their entire dating bio “never married, no kids” as if that means you’re the biggest catch on the app.

In the early days of single parenting, it can feel as if you’d be a more appealing dating prospect if you didn’t have a child or children included as part of the long-term package. 

Zoe Desmond: 'The narrative of the single parent has all too frequently been that of one to be pitied, shamed, judged or ridiculed.'

But as you find your feet as a single parent, banish any internalised stigma and start to thrive in the role, you’ll realise that you’re even more of a catch as the brilliant, independent single parent that you’ve become.

That won’t happen overnight, but it’s worth waiting until you reach this point before starting to date seriously to meet a potential future partner, so that you don’t end up settling for less than you (and your children) deserve.

Once you’ve fully embraced being happy alone (ish, moments of true peace as a lone parent are rare), the true beauty in your new single-parent status will become clear. 

To give it up should take something truly superlative. But where on Earth does one find something truly spectacular in a world where dating bios contain poetry like: “No second-hand kids” (trust us, we’ve seen it).

Firstly, you get ready for rejection (giving and receiving). Secondly, you buckle up for the ride of your life (metaphorically and potentially literally).

Once you’re in a good place emotionally and ready to date, and you’ve worked out what you’re looking for, it’s time to actually enjoy yourself. Go out to a bar and snog a stranger who you fancy.

Rebecca Cox: 'Where on Earth does one find something truly spectacular in a world where dating bios contain poetry like: “No second-hand kids”'

Get their number and go for a drink with them. Say yes to being set up with a friend of a friend (and then promptly unfriend the person that got it completely wrong).

Go speed dating. Buy yourself new lingerie or overpriced aftershave, and learn how to feel sexy again.

Fall madly in love with the first person you have great sex with and then realise that you actually just really needed that orgasm and you actually have nothing in common before slowly disentangling yourself over the course of six very messy but exciting months.

Date other single parents and make messy blended families.

Get out there and have fun.

If fun and enriching your life is your aim, rather than success or failure in the form of a forever relationship being the only options, you are much more likely to win.

When to swipe left and when to swipe right

Red flags

• Too much intensity, too soon. If something or someone seems too good to be true, it possibly is.
• If someone is asking too many questions about your child/ren too soon, ask yourself why. Avoid putting your children on dating apps, and be cautious about sharing information about your kids, especially if you’re not chatting to another single parent that you’ve met on a user-verified app such as Frolo Dating, or in real life.
• Someone referring to your kids as “baggage”, or insinuating that you need to find a partner “for the sake of your children”.
• App users saying that they don’t have socials, keeping you at arm’s length, or insisting that meetups take place on their terms, or are pushy about moving things forward. Beware of catfishers (people pretending to be somebody else).
• Referring to their ex, or worse, all their exes, as a “psycho” or “crazy”, or telling you that you’re “not like other women/men”.
• Being disrespectful of your time or reluctant to work around your schedule, or repeatedly telling you that they “wouldn’t usually date a single parent”.
• If you wouldn’t feel comfortable introducing them to friends or family, or you find yourself editing what you tell people about them, they’re not the one for you.

Green flags

• They respect your time, your timeline for dating, and your boundaries. Finding someone who understands the challenges of a single-parenting timetable is non-negotiable.
• They see you as more than just a single parent. You might want to keep your parent persona and your dating persona completely apart for quite some time, and a prospective partner should respect that, and want to get to know both on a timeline that suits you. Having said that, if they steer the topic away from your children at all costs and show no interest in your life as a parent, they might not be your person.
• If they are a parent themselves, and they light up when talking about their kids and seem to be a great parent to their children, this is obviously also a huge bonus.
• They make you feel that you can be completely yourself around them.
• They are a good communicator, and you’re both comfortable talking about how you’re feeling and thinking about the future.
• They are working on themselves and open to personal growth, just like you.
• You believe in your heart that they will bring positivity into your life as it is, and that they have potential in the future to bring positivity into your children’s lives.

How to be a Happy Single Parent, by Rebecca Cox and Zoe Desmond, is published by Piatkus and out now.