Ask Audrey: Imagine having notions when you only live on the Skehard Road

You can ask her for advice, but don't expect her to be nice - it's Ask Audrey. What's your problem?

Ask Audrey: sorting Cork people out for ages

Hello, old stock. It’s Reggie here in my €6.4m mansion on the Blackrock Road. 

My butler was reading the paper to me this week when he paused over a story. I said, what’s wrong with you Finbarr and he said, they are building a langerload of new apartments down in the docklands my liege, and I know you get anxious when a lot of new people move into the area in case one of them has relations in Kanturk. 

I killed him metaphorically (look it up) for suggesting that the docklands could be classed alongside the Blackrock Road, but still there are enough knuckle draggers walking their cheap cockapoos on the Marina without bringing a whole new batch of people down around here. 

Worse again, these are posh apartments and they will probably fill up with committed hipsters where even the women have man-buns.

 We beautifully spoken millionaires have trouble enough with our own entitled off-spring, sending the help out at all hours to buy cans of Prime that cost more than a semi-d in Glanmire, but soon we’ll be swamped by more overpaid snowflakes who have no interest in drink or casual sex, I worry about them Audrey. 

Could you lodge a last-minute objection to the planning permission there and I’ll set about brown-enveloping the powers that be to make sure this doesn’t go ahead?

— Reggie, Blackrock Road, the suave end.

I rang City Hall there and asked is there any way to stop the new apartment development in the docklands. She said, there is one fool-proof way. 

I said, keep it to yourself, I can’t wait to see the Blackrock Road set trying to force a reaction through the Botox when they start drilling the foundations.

It’s getting poignant on our Whatsapp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Wish We Had Friends Other Than Douglas Road Stunners. 

As you can imagine Audrey, it was like Milan Fashion Week at the school gate this week, I spent seven grand on my look for back-to-school 2023 and I’d be at the lower end of things because My Ken’s mobile sauna business (Sexi Saunas – free ad!) is at the start-up phase, where it has been for the last three years. 

Anyway, we all forced out a few tears as the kids filed back into ‘prison’, thank God they’re gone at last so we can retire to MeMe, the new chi-chi spot on the Douglas Road for coffee and dippy eggs. (Dippy eggs are very now in Douglas and New York.) 

We started well, it was like a game of “put ‘seven-star resort’ and ‘brought both au pairs’ in a sentence”, but the air went out of it after a while. 

Milli_NotMillie spoke for all of us when she looked up with a real tear in her eye and said, I’ve just realised, ye are a shower of shallow bee-atches. 

I wish now I’d made more friends in life, rather than sticking with people who had the same McWilliams bag as me in school. Is it foolish to stick with your school friends for life?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, did you make any friends after you left school? 

She said you must be joking, I went to the only fee-paying school in Cork. I couldn’t even look at anyone else.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen in Ballydesmond. 

Well, bad cess to that baldy fella in charge of soccer in Spain but he is after dividing opinion up here in North Cork. (Did I mention I’m from Ballydesmond.) 

You probably saw him on the television, planting a smacker on a player after she had just helped win the World Cup for Spain, whether she liked it or not. 

Myself and Berna were watching it and said that’s like something you’d see at a dinner dance in Meelin. 

We organised a petition calling for your man to resign, and every right-minded person in the town signed it in solidarity with the Spanish footballer in question, not to mention women everywhere. 

Would you believe it, we’re being opposed by a group from a neighbouring village who describe themselves as The Lob The Gobbers. 

They’re a group of men AND WOMEN who think it was only a little kiss and aren’t they after barricading themselves into the church in Ballydesmond in protest. Who do you think is in the right here, Audrey?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

Those Lob the Gobbers are complete eejits. You think they’d at least barricade themselves into a pub.

My grandson rang me yesterday and told me something that no three-time lady captain of Ballinlough Tennis Club should ever have to hear — he wants to go to the Institute of Technology in Tralee. 

Eighteen years of cashmere jumpers on his birthday and this is how he treats me, getting a makey uppy degree in Kerry with UCC on his doorstep. 

I’m beside myself with embarrassment, imagine if I’m invited to the graduation, I’ll probably have to wear a twinset from 1992 so I don’t stand out among the knuckle draggers in Tralee. How can I make him see the light?

— Bernadette, Skehard Road

I think this is the saddest letter I’ve ever had to read. I feel so sorry for you, having notions when you only live on the Skehard Road. You’d want to get that seen to.