Megan Nolan: 'I never really had to do all those things that I felt I had to'

Credit: Sophie Davidson

I grew up in Ballybeg in Waterford. My parents split up when I was really young. 

I was very involved in Little Red Kettle and my favourite childhood memories between eight and 12 are chaotic and brilliant.

Something very special about Waterford is that it’s very normal to be into stuff like theatre and the Arts, even if you’re not a particularly posh kid.

I’m extremely sensitive — in a way that got me in trouble when I was a kid — because I just couldn’t take criticism. I’d overreact if my mam gave out to me.

A lot of people who are particularly sensitive deal with it in ways that aren’t healthy and I’ve done that in my life and continue to do it sometimes. I don’t just mean big, horrific things or addiction necessarily, although I do include that in what I mean.

It’s an inability to live in the moment by trying to distract yourself all the time. It’s too painful to be present sometimes and I struggle with that.

I’ve had mental illnesses since I was quite young. I wouldn’t even have the words to describe them and I still wouldn’t be able to rattle off a list of the things I have or have had. I’ve been on and off medication, in and out of treatments and therapy for the last 15 years.

It’s the main thing that has delayed my progress, I’m trying to get into a place where I’m accepting that it will be in my life forever rather than hoping to cure it.

Writing the book, the first book specifically [was my greatest achievement] because I didn’t have a book deal. One of the things that I don’t like about myself is that I don’t feel like I have a good work ethic. I’m not very good at self-motivating. It was really difficult and long and not
guaranteed to work out as I didn’t have anyone waiting for it and there was no money behind me. I had an agent and she was very encouraging, but even so, you know, there are lots of people who could spend years and these things will never go anywhere.

I’m always trying to figure out whether I’m living in the right way. That makes me feel like I’m not working hard enough because there’s just no structure.

I’m really good at connecting with people. I have an endless supply of social energy. Sometimes, you get exhausted and burn yourself out there but in general, I’m really happy that I am that way.

[The person I turn to most] is my dad. We’re very close but then I also have a dynamic with him where if I’m having a really bad time, I struggle to tell him about it because he is also a very sensitive person and I don’t want to worry him.

Megan Nolan's Ordinary Human Failings, on shop shelves now

The main thing that’s made my life good has been learning very gradually how fake a lot of constraints are around you are. I started to exhaust my ability to try and do [what was expected of me].

I dropped out of university, I didn’t have a good job and then I had this terrible breakup. It felt like everything had gone away and I had no life anymore. So I started over and because I was starting from scratch, I felt free to live the way I really wanted to. It became clear that I never really had to do all those things that I felt I had to do.

I struggle with my attention span. While I was writing the book, I was actively cultivating an obsession. You can’t just hope that takes you over. Someone was asking after me and said something like ‘Megan’s a great writer but she’s a really great socialite.’ That would be a really great way to be known.

I find it hard to have regrets because everything I’ve been through has directly led to me having the life and career that I have now.

Climate change definitely contributes to a general sense of nihilism and doom which I’m prone to if I’m in a depressive phase where you’re already thinking ‘what’s the point of being alive or getting up in the morning?’

I’ve never really been good at anything except writing. I’ve spent 10 years writing constantly and l don’t know if I’m any better.

I’m often surprised by how people are in big cities. I’ve spent a lot of time in New York and I think in these places, people make them out to be really cold and heartless areas — that you look out for number one, as nobody else is going to help you.

I’m scared of losing the people that I love. I haven’t lost many people close to me — my grandmother is still alive and both my parents and my siblings and everyone I’m close to is still alive. I fixate on that sometimes — dreading the loss of those people.

I’ve always been very interested in law. I think if I was better academically, I probably would have tried to study law.

Growing up, my mum was very strong on women’s issues. She was much more active about it than I ever had been. It was very normal. I didn’t have this moment of realising that I’m a feminist or anything, that was always around me.

• Ordinary Human Failings by Megan Nolan, published by Jonathan Cape, is out now