Bernard O'Shea: DIY dermatology - an idiot's guide to homemade face masks

Bernard O'Shea: porridge oats are our man's hero skincare ingredient

It's time for me to face the facts, my skin is begging for a little TLC, and the answer may be in a DIY face mask specifically crafted for my beardy needs.

Tracing back from the golden age of the Pharaohs who used crocodile dung face masks as their secret weapon for an ageless appeal to the Roman women who used sweat from gladiators to enhance their complexion and geishas who bathed in Japanese nightingale poo for a youthful glow, yours truly began "borrowing" my wife's expensive face creams in the hope of clawing back my youth.

In the last few years, the silver bullet of collagen, a protein that ensures your skin isn't as saggy as wet washing on the line, is now a hot ingredient in skincare. 

Traditionally smeared on the face, collagen is popping up in a new format - supplements that claim to give you skin that would make a baby jealous. But as always, the science behind this miracle cure has yet to be given a complete thumbs up.

Also, the last decade has seen a rise in skincare products, all dedicated to the gents. This is primarily, but not exclusively, down to men's skin producing more oil and some who endure a daily battle with razors. 

However, more and more men, including myself, have beards that need looking after. This was pointed out to me a few years ago when fashionista Darren Kennedy introduced me to bear oils, something I was utterly ignorant of.

But what if the ingredients for everlasting youth are in your cupboard?

Honey, for instance, is a known acne fighter and skin feeder. According to my extensive research (a few hours on Google), oatmeal is your best mate after a shave, helping calm down any possible red Hulk transformations on your skin (which I always get). 

And according to skincraft.com, "Vitamin C and antioxidants in citrus peels help reduce ageing signs. Vitamin C stimulates collagen production, which increases the firmness and elasticity of the skin. The citric acid in the peels can remove the damaged layer of the skin and help in new skin generation."

My reason for whipping up a homemade face mask was twofold. I'm still in a state of arrested development when it comes to being confident enough to ask for one in a chemist or spa. Secondly, why not concoct my own that could compete with any off-the-shelf product?

I amalgamated most of the recipes online and concluded by mixing two tablespoons of honey, a tablespoon of lemon juice, and a handful of oatmeal or, as I call it, porridge or "flavans". 

I mixed it all together until I got a gooey paste. For the beard, I added a splash of olive oil. This also made it easier to handle.

If I were to package this, I'd call it "Bernard's Beardy Fantastic Face Rejuvenator." 

I'd also write the directions for use as follows:

• Firstly Cleanse: Gently cleanse your skin. Take no note of your partner screaming, "Bernard, I'm warning you, don't be using any of my stuff."
• Apply: Layer the mask evenly over your face using clean digits (fancy word for your paw), avoiding the eye area. If you get it into your eye, use the cuff of your shirt to remove it. If you're sporting a beard, rub it right in. Ignore the shouting from outside, "Daddy, what are you doing in there? Can you get me milk?"
• Relax: Keep the mask on for around 15-20 minutes. For this, you might have to go outside to the shed. Don't let it dry completely, as it can suck the life out of your skin and will eventually taste good enough to eat. Have an atom of pride in yourself. Don't eat it.
• Once the mask is off, you should notice your skin feeling radiant. If you've got a beard, it'll feel more moisturised than ever.

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I was genuinely shocked at how well it worked. My skin was really smooth afterwards. The only downside was the mask stuck to EVERYTHING. 

It was almost impossible to get off the shower tray, and I also smelt like porridge for a few hours afterwards. 

But L'Oreal, if you are reading this, I'm game if you are. Let's bring "Bernard's Beardy Fantastic Face Rejuvenator" to the world!