Áine Lawlor: When people go through cancer, there's a lot expected from you in terms of attitude

Áine Lawlor, RTÉ presenter and podcaster

I grew up in Coolock. It was a new housing estate. We had a big green in front of the house where we all played. I have two sisters and one brother. My mum was at home and my dad worked at the post office.

We moved to this new house where there were loads of children in the estate. I remember being really put out because I had lived in a house where I was the only child, surrounded by adults. 

I remember choosing to get knocked down. I was cross with my mother. It was before I went to primary school. I still remember the underneath of the car — the driver was going about 10 miles an hour. Wasn’t it a little dramatic of me?

Cancer was tough. Bereavement is tough. Grief is tough. But the biggest challenge I’ve experienced is keeping my creaking ass exercising as I get older. Going into my trainer on Mondays is probably my biggest challenge at the moment. I do weights and planks and all that horrible stuff that I wouldn’t do unless I had someone standing over me.

My family [is my greatest achievement], but I think every parent would say that.

Shooting my mouth off [is my greatest quality]. I’m persistent enough. Persistence is when you feel like you’ve completely screwed up but you still don’t let yourself hide in bed — even though you want to.

When people go through cancer, there’s a lot expected from you in terms of attitude. That’s hard, but on the other hand, if you can get to grips with it, you can take ownership of the awful things that are happening to you. That can give you power, it can help you. But you don’t have to.

I have buried more people who did all the right things. It’s so random. It’s such a bitch. I’ve seen more courage from regular people in a cancer ward than anything, you know?

I’m blessed with my friends and my sisters and my daughters, really and truly. The friends you’ve raised your kids [with], the friends you go back to childhood with, you can’t really beat that. Especially when you’re as long in the tooth as I am.

You can be strong, you can be clever, you can be gorgeous, you can be whatever — but the thing that matters most is kindness. It sounds a bit twee and Pollyanna-ish, but it’s actually really hard.

Aine Lawlor and Marty Morrissey at the Winning Super Garden by Des Kingston at RTÉ live at Bloom 2017

The other thing is every day to look around you at some point, and there’s usually something really nice to appreciate. Take a moment to remind yourself of that when you are having a bad day. It’s a useful little check because some days it’s easy, but some days, you have too much stuff in your head.

The best advice I was ever given [was] by an old producer when I came into RTÉ. He said: ‘Always trust the people who criticize you to your face, because everyone else is doing it behind your back.’ The people who tell you to your face what you’ve done wrong, they actually do care about what you’re doing.

I have no impact on how I will be remembered. In an online world when you’re doing a public job, people think all kinds of stuff, but that’s their take. It’s not the truth. It’s just the way they see things.

I’ve learned one thing — it’s that I don’t do ‘what ifs.’ The past is the past. There’s nothing much you can do about it. All you have is today.

We’d be fairly climate conscious. We have a hot bin as well as the brown bin. We’ve an electric car and we’re trying to get solar, but it’s a bit of a hassle at the moment. We grow our own food a lot of the time and I don’t fly a huge amount. We have an allotment because we don’t have the space here. I really noticed the price of vegetables in the grocery shop because we had our own potatoes, onions, and tomatoes up until January.

I’m not a bad gardener. I’m not a bad cook, and I’m not a bad interviewer.

The surprising thing about getting older is that for all the aches and pains, you really don’t feel as crocked as you look.

What scares me in life? Cancer is up there. It doesn’t take long for that fear to rise up in me again. The treatment is just so tough. There is always a little shadow there at the back of your mind, even when you’re doing quite well afterwards. 

There is great medicine for some cancers now, but it’s a sneaky, complicated disease. They can do an awful lot, and they can certainly prolong life. But it’s the constant going in for checks and treatment — your life existing in three-month gaps between one scan and the next.

I have friends where their parents were nurses and doctors, and they have that practicality of being able to help people. I would love to have that skillset. If I was taking a different fork in the road, I would have done medicine.

• Watch Áine Lawlor and co-host Marty Morrissey on ‘Live from Bloom in the Phoenix Park’ at 8pm on Friday, June 2, on RTÉ 1.