Richard Hogan: 'My son's not putting in the work with his Leaving Cert'

Richard Hogan . Photograph Moya Nolan

Dear Richard, 

I have been reading your articles for many years and need your help, my son is in 6th year and about to do his Leaving Certificate this summer. I don’t know what to do. 

He has medicine down as his first choice and says he only wants to become a doctor. But he hasn’t worked at all over the last two years. I tried everything to motivate him, my husband offered to buy him a car if he worked hard but it’s no good. He stays in bed at the weekend and sometimes doesn’t even go to school. 

I’m exhausted and it causes fights between myself and my husband because he says I have mollycoddled him, and that he needs a ‘good kick up the arse’ but that isn’t how I want to parent my children. 

I probably spoil him but he is the eldest, and I wonder what example he is showing the others, I have a daughter (who is just brilliant and works hard) and a younger son who loves sports and is very active. 

We don’t know what to do - he won’t get points for medicine and I know that will devastate him. Can you please give us some advice?

Thank you for the letter, it sounds like a dilemma many parents are facing this summer. 

I have worked in education for over 20 years and find this a common thread among this particular cohort of students. 

I know I’m generalising here, many current students are incredibly motivated and hardworking, but in my experience, so many of them are struggling with structure and consistency this year. Well, why would that be? 

This particular group missed out on many normative milestones in their development, like going to summer camps, Gaeltacht, and even preparing for and sitting the Junior Certificate exam were all denied to them, and so what we are finding now are the residual effects of all those covid-19 measures. They are really struggling to apply themselves and don’t really understand what is required to achieve a goal in life. These children were, during a vital time in their development, forced to stay in, and learn online. So, your son is not alone.

There are five weeks left to the Leaving Certificate. The first question I’d like to know is, why does he want to do medicine? Of all the careers on offer, why has he chosen medicine? Is there something about his desire to help others? Has he ever gained any insight into the number of hours doctors actually work and the demands placed on them? 

He might need you to help him with his expectations. We don’t all get what we want, and we certainly don’t get what we want without hard work. This might be a hard lesson for him to learn, but it is a vitally important one for his development. 

If he doesn’t figure that out, you may have an adult living with you for some time. Also, why doesn’t he go to school from time to time? Is he struggling with his mental health? This might be something you need to look at over the summer, seeking out professional help will give your son some outside support. And it sounds like he may need it.

We all need alternative options on the road to achieving any goal, even students who have been working incredibly well for two years are not guaranteed to get medicine in the CAO. 

The HPAT is one of the most difficult exams students will attempt, many get the points required for medicine but fall on the HPAT. 

So, students who are serious about becoming a doctor often have many alternative plans; they go to Poland/Italy to study medicine, or they do biochemical science and attempt the HPAT again hoping to be able to change the following year. 

So, the road to medicine isn’t always a straight one, and students have to really work hard and prepare for the fact that all that work may not get them on a straight pathway to their desired course. 

Now, that takes incredible maturity and resilience. It doesn’t sound like your son has really thought this out. It’s good to make a wish list of things he would like to do, but reality has to come in here too. What is possible at this late stage? If not medicine, what else would he like to do?

Often when we have a dream and we don’t work towards it, it can make us feel powerless and we collapse under it. The realisation that we will never achieve it, can be a demoralising one. Is this your son? 

It sounds like he doesn’t believe he can achieve anything in the exam and that isn’t true. If he was to apply himself for five weeks, things would improve for him. 

It sounds like yourself and your husband are not aligned in how you want to parent your son - if you were both more consistent, do you think it would positively impact on your son? Also what is the talk like in the house, do you speak about your daughter in positive tones whereas your son is described as "lazy" or in need of a "good kick up the arse". 

Remember, labels don’t predict the future, they write them. 

Ultimately, your son is an adult now – he has to be the one to drive his future. Often, not achieving is a great motivator. And you might have to pull back to allow him the space to figure it out for himself. 

We all find our way in life and your son will find his, it just might be a more sinuous route.