Ask Audrey: C’mere, what’s the story with dreaming about a woman at work?

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Well feck it anyway, isn’t Berna after getting an invitation to the coronation of that clown Charles over in London? 

It was bad enough that she got invited to the opening of that service station named after Barack Obama in the arse end of nowhere, but she’ll be unbearable after this. Wasn’t she over last night to practice her curtsying and everything, rubbing it in my face when I was trying to watch a class of a soft-porn movie on Amazon Prime? 

I know the world is on a dual-carriageway to hell and the Brits are at the wheel, but what in the name of Cromwell possessed them to invite hatchet-face Berna Murphy over to London for the big bash? 

She’ d be the first to tell you that Kanturk is gone like Mexico City with all the traffic, so God knows what she’ll make of a proper metropolis. 

I rang MI5 and told them that her grand-uncle was the man behind Kilmichael, and didn’t they think I was talking about a racehorse. My life won’t be worth living if she meets Kate Middleton, we’re huge admirers of the style on her. 

Do you know if there is some way I could get invited over myself?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I rang Buckingham Palace there and said what’s the best way to get an invitation to the coronation. The guy said, just make sure you don’t look like Prince Harry.

It’s getting silent on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunner Who Turned off Their Notifications in Case Someone Asks Them To Mind Their Kids During The Easter Holidays. 

Laura_Laura_Money caused a panic on Tuesday when she posted a cry-for-help because herself and her Ken had booked a night in Castlemartyr to re-launch their sex lives, but she couldn’t find anyone to mind their Hugo and bringing him along would just defeat the purpose. 

We banned her for six weeks because Castlemartyr is in east Cork, and it just isn’t the new west Cork, whatever people say. 

But that gives us all the willies, and not in a sexy way, because we’re all trying to off-load our kids at the moment. 

People go on about Jesus on the cross on Good Friday, but have you ever tried minding your kids for two weeks solid because the au pair is gone home to look after her sick father? It’s the definition of a horror story. 

Shona_OwnAYacht said she had heard you can just drop your kids to the nearest GAA ground and they’ll look after them for a morning, but when she tried this didn’t she get in trouble with the Guards? So, Audrey, would you mind looking after my kids next week? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

T he good news is I’ve nothing on next week. The bad news is it’s because I’m joining a nudist colony in Kinsale to get away from my own little tykes , so you’re on your own Jenni.

C’mere, what’s the story with dreaming about a woman at work? 

There is this new one after joining us inside, I spotted her in the canteen, hard to miss her to be honest, she’d remind you of Donald Trump’s missus. 

Now I can’t stop dreaming about her, lying in bed next to my own missus, who is probably having filthy thoughts about Roy Keane, so there’s no guilt on that front. 

The problem is I’m not having dirty dreams about Miss Croatia. They’re just really mundane things, where I help her set up a bank account or teach her little phrases that could come in useful around Cork, such as “do you know that kind of a way” and “look at that now lah.”

Every time I try to mentally undress her, my mind just wanders and I end up fixing a leak in her apartment. 

I’m worried that this mark s the end of the randy phase in my life - when I’d be inclined to get up on a parked car to be honest - and now I’m just this pleasant lad who’ ll help you with any DIY issues you might have around the house. So is the end of my sex drive? 

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, I’m 43 in July

My Conor is 42 as well, he told me recently that he is losing his libido. I said, just as well My Conor, there is no point in getting aroused, you’ll only end up disappointed.

Hey dude, so like my electric scooter is very much part of my personal brand. People see me cruising past traffic on the Blackrock Road and I can almost hear them saying, “There’s Ed man, he just keeps on getting it right.” 

So I was to e -dally 'this can’t be happening dude'  during  the week, when I heard that they’ve banned electric scooters in Paris. Like, achtung mes amis, this is a worse idea than opening a train line to Cobh. 

I was going to bring this hot chick from samba drumming to stay with me in the old man’s love nest in Paris, but now I’m worried that the locals won’t get my vibe, ya feelin’ me? Can you ask the French to perform a U-turn?

— Ed, Ballintemple.

I rang Paris there and said what’s the story with e-scooters. Your man says I’d love to explain it face-to-face, so I’m off over for a dirty weekend . Best of all, there won’t be any langers on scooters to ruin the fun!