Ask Audrey: 'My sexy super power is snoring and eating Pringles'

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Well, lads, just when you think you’ve reached the pits of what’s available on the dating scene in North Cork and East Kerry, along comes a man called Danny with the message that things can always get worse,

I met said Danny on a dating app called My Sexy Super-Power. The idea is that your profile should be one sentence long: Telling the world what you’re really good at in the sack.

Well, didn’t I sign up anyway and put down, “Snoring and eating Pringles”, because I’m a great believer in having the craic whenever possible.

This Danny was straight back to me, and his profile said, “I can do this amazing thing with my tongue.” Four hours later, we’re cuddling on the sofa and he said, ‘Would you like to see my sexy super-power?’ and I said, ‘Go on’ and didn’t the gowl peel an orange with his tongue.

I know, you’re from Scartaglin Danny, but there’s no need to be that thick, I said, as I barged him out the door. Do you think I was a bit hasty, he has nice eyes? — Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I hate false advertising when it comes to the old bangy-bangy.

My first boyfriend promised to call over and make the earth move. I said, ‘Go on, you good thing,’ and he arrived in a bulldozer. #AntiClimax

C’mere, what’s the story with sexperts. The old doll do love reading the sexy advice columns online, particularly the one ye have from Suzy Godson there in the Examiner. I was all for it because she do get turned on by other people’s inadequacies in the bedroom. That was until recently, when she decided that she wanted to train to become a sexpert herself.

I said, ‘What does that actually involve?’ and she said she was in touch with an organisation called Sexperts R Us, who told her she needs to start having full and frank discussions with her partner – me! – about what he’s doing wrong between the sheets. I’ll be honest with you, Audrey: I’m slow to throw the old arm over her at night in bed now, in case it ends up in a lecture. 

At least in the past I’d get, ‘Nah, Donie, I’m bloated after all the Toblerone’, and that would be that. But now it’s 15 minutes on how I should be building up to it during the day, leaving little notes around the place, telling her she’s the berries. How can I convince her to try something new?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

How do you stop your old doll being an expert on sex? Tell her take advice from My Conor.

It’s getting ridiculous on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Believe you Flew Into Gatwick. Laura_BlessedWithTheseCheekBones said she heard a rumour there are actually people at the top table of Cork society who use an airport other than Heathrow when they’re flying into London. 

Oonagh_SpelledWith2OsRatherThanAU said it definitely wasn’t her, but word on the street was that her cousin likes to use Luton, heavily disguised obvs. That’s the last we’ll be hearing from Oonagh with 2 Os – banned from the group for life, Audrey, for being related to someone who flies into Luton, and who could blame us? Fifi_VolvoXC90, said let’s start a witch-hunt to find the others, bee-atches, we can’t have this going on, when I’m visiting my son studying medicine in Cambridge, I fly in to Heathrow even though Stansted is closer, I’d just like to put that out there (Fifi is so old, her son is in uni). 

So, Audrey, would you ask Cork Airport to post a few Stunners under-cover at the departure gates for Ryanair flights to London, so we can catch the non-Heathrows lowering the standard? — Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, ‘Do you ever fly Ryanair to London?’ She said, ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ I said, ‘Aer Lingus all the way.’ She said, ‘Are you gone mad?’ I said, ‘Oh, sorry, private jet.’ She said, ‘No, you gowl – why would I go to London when I live in Cork?’

Hey dude, so I just bought an electric car for myself there because the cool Slovenian chick at Samba drumming friend-zoned me for arriving in the old man’s Range Rover. 

I got the charger installed in the gaff as well, I totally connected with the work guys who did the job; they said they found me quite relatable. 

Anyway, Bryan with a Y called over in his electric car and plugged it into my charger without missing a beat. I said, ‘Steady on dude, you wouldn’t call over here and ask me for a fiver, so why do you think you can just rock up and lap up my amps for, like, gratis.’ He was like ‘You’re from the richest family in Ballintemple’ and I was like, ‘Not the point Bryan with a Y, not the point.’ So, like, what’s the etiquette scenario with guests using your car charger?— Ed, Ballintemple

I don’t bother with electric cars myself, they’re just for penguin huggers up in St Lukes. But you need to nip this behaviour in the bud.

Bryan with a Y is treating your gaff like a service station – next thing he’ll be asking for a free chicken fillet roll and a scratch-card. #SlipperySlope