Ask Audrey: 'What’s the official advice on finishing off a large box of Scots Clan?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages..

Hello it’s Rosealeen here from Ballydesmond. Well, will wonders never cease Audrey, but it was only yesterday that I found myself thinking I should have listened to my mother. 

The old whinge bag had warned me off my latest boyfriend and him a binman from Mallow. I said: “Jesus wept Mammy, when will you get it into your mind that I’m never going to marry a hospital consultant from the Model Farm Road and just as well too because for all their knowledge of anatomy, I have yet to land one that can locate my pleasure button.” 

She said: “Don’t mind that, Rosealeen from Ballydesmond, I don’t care where you get your kicks as long as it isn’t with a bin man, he’ll be rifling through your rubbish, you’ll be hard put to keep a secret from the gowl, and we both know that’s a problem given your addiction to the old dating apps.” 

Well, like I said earlier, it seems the old bag might be right. Your man, Noel is his name, stopped mid love-action last night and said: “You might consider cutting down on the old selection boxes, Rosealeen from Ballydesmond.” 

Well feck you anyway, Nosey Noel, the latest in a long line of gobshites from Mallow who could do with minding their own business. Do you think I should give him the bullet?
— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

Don’t even think about it. You should never break it off with someone in January — there’s no substitute for a nice warm arse in the bed.

It’s getting very competitive on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Whose Personal Trainer Has an Olympics Gold Medal and Not In Ping Pong Before You Ask. 

Clara_231CTesla said she’s literally flaahed out after her morning sessions with Bruno. I said: “Do you know what literally means?” and she said “yes” and I said “so you’re admitting to having an affair with Bruno”, and then she said “OK, I don’t know what literally means”. 

Unfortunately it was too late because Lorna_231BMW had already forwarded the original message to Clara’s husband, Ken, and poor Clara reckons that she’ll have to get herself admitted for sex addiction just to keep him, and there goes the money for the extra ski holiday in December, you never know what life is going to throw at you next. 

Anyway, Lorna_231BMW was back later saying that she’s signing up for this new super-intense race called Hyrox, it’s basically Iron Man with knobs on, the races are in really cool cities, so the Insta opportunities will be off the scale. So Audrey, I need a complete bastard of a personal trainer to knock me into shape in the few months, someone who won’t fall in love with me NOW, it gets messy every time. Do you have anyone in mind?
— Jenni, Douglas Road.

My cousin is a personal trainer, I rang him there and said “can you be mean to a posh blonde woman without falling in love with her?”. He said “leave my marriage out of this”. #Awks.

C’mere, what’s the official advice on finishing off a large box of Scots Clan? The old doll do get the anxiety before Christmas that everyone she ever knew in her life will call to the house and we’ll run out of stuff to give them. Only one person called in — her mam — so our gaff is like a small grocery store with all the boxes of chocolates lying around, it’s like a starter kit for diabetes. 

Things came to a head there during the week when the old doll arrived into the telly room and opened a giant box of Scots Clan. I said: “What are you doing, girl?” and she said “I need to finish these before the end of the week, I always go on a diet after Women’s Christmas”, while also opening a 12 pack of Hunky Dorys, buffalo flavour. 

I said: “Are you gone daft or what, it’s like you’re living in one of those eating challenges they have in America, just throw them out.” She said “it’s a sin to throw out food with all the starving children in the world”, and I said “I can’t see them surviving too long on a diet of Hunky Dorys and Scots Clan”. So like, is it OK to throw out loads of chocolates or what?
— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

This is a very catty time of the year. My Conor asked me what I’m going to do with my 42 bottles of prosecco. I said: “I’m keeping them for the next time I get married, langball.”

So, like any other chill serial entrepreneur I like to kick off every year with a dope new idea for serving food out of horsebox, ya feelin’ me? Bryan with a Y said he thinks the time is now for a horsebox selling tripe and drisheen with a modern touch, so I’d probably serve them on a brioche bun with a dollop of weird pink sauce. Can you see any reason this might fail?
— Ed, Ballintemple.

I can’t see a single reason this would fail. There must be 400 of them. Sorry now, but tripe and drisheen is something you give your cousins over from America — I can’t think of a better way to make sure that they never darken your doorstep again.