'Posh Cork is in for a rude awakening': Ask Audrey's predictions for the year ahead
Ask Audrey: There has probably never been a better time for Micheál Martin to disappear into the shadows and leave Leo to explain why all the American multi-nationals went home and took their money with them
It’s that time of the year again, where I look into my crystal ball (and swear I’ll stop buying crystal balls from China on an app that looks like Aliexpress, but is actually Aliexpesss and you can barely spot the difference there reading it) and I can’t see what 2023 holds in this €2 crystal ball.
What I can tell you is that interest rates are going up so there probably won’t be 5,000 231-C cars swanning around Cork by January 2.
In fact, I predict you’ll never be more than two metres from someone in Glanmire or Ballincollig going, “We’d normally have the new Beamer by now, but My Ken watched a documentary about penguins on National Geographic over Christmas, he was in floods of tears over the destruction of their habitat by global warming, or maybe it was because he drank that giant bottle of gin he got from his mother — but long story short, we’re hippies now and there will be no more getting a new car every year, even though we can definitely afford it, I want to be very clear about that.”
Actually, the penguins and polar bears will be on overtime in 2023, as Posh Cork tells anyone who is listening (that’s everyone, given they all have a built-in megaphone) that they’re not flying to the Seychelles for mid-term this year, because flying kills cute/funny animals and they don’t want their name associated with that (“It’s an awful look”, apparently).
Don‘t be surprised if they’re telling you this in Dealz or Mr Price because the tide is going out economically, and we’re finally going to see who in Posh Cork is swimming naked (or see who had work done. It’s all of them, before you ask).
The editor is under the impression I’m a serious journalist and asked me to make a few political predictions for 2023. Sorry now, but the closest I got to politics in 2022 was watching Matt Hancock tuck into a bowl of turkey jizz in the jungle, so I’m not really your woman on the whole voting and making laws stuff.
What I will say is, they’ve stopped using graduates from Clown College to run the UK, so we’ll start focusing on our own politicians again and wondering if they’re any good.
There has probably never been a better time for Micheál Martin to disappear into the shadows and leave Leo to explain why all the American multi-nationals went home and took their money with them #awks.
On that note, I can’t help thinking that Elon Musk is going to move to Kinsale. In fairness, he is one of the few people on Earth that can still afford a place down there, even if he does spaff 44 squillion on Twitter. And it is very handy for the airport.
Now, I don’t have any other evidence that he is going to move to Sexy Town, as they call Kinsale on the swinger scene — but I did dream he’d do it after polishing off a cheese hamper that my mother won at bridge. So that’s got to count for something.
The other big winner in property terms is going to be East Cork. You wouldn’t believe the number of people I meet around Ballinlough these days who mention Ballycotton and Garryvoe WITHOUT putting their fingers down their throat in a fit-of-the-gawks motion. What a turn up for the books.
This is all Dan Boyle’s fault. Himself and his train-hugging friends in the Greens pushed and pushed until we got the promise of a Dart-like service in from no-hope towns like Midleton. The plan for loads of new stations along the route means a huge surge in people moving to East Cork, which isn’t something that seemed likely when I was growing up, when it was a by-word for disappointment.
If it does, I’m moving to Limerick. I have to lie down now after writing that, because Limerick, like. Imagine!
OK, I’m back and all this talk of Limerick revealed to me the big rugby story in 2023. Cork will split off from Munster because who wants to be driving up to Limerick for a rugby game?
The South Africa game in Páirc Uí Chaoimh showed us the way — it was a fantastic night for Cork sport, even if it did mean a gang of Limerick people with notions walking up and down the Blackrock Road.
That will end with Cexit, when Cork decides to go it alone as a rugby club. Some say we’ll never again win a major trophy in Europe; others (me) say that’s not happening anyway. And at least we won’t have to face a traffic jam in Charleville.
In GAA, I believe Cork will win senior, minor, junior, intermediate and all other all-Ireland titles, men’s and women’s, handball included. This is partly thanks to a Camembert-induced dream I had last night — but it’s mainly because I’m from Cork and we think we’re going to win everything we ever enter and to be honest, it’s a curse.
I’d nearly prefer to be from Waterford and assume I won’t win anything (I said “nearly”, put down your pen of complaint).
Prince Harry’s book is going to be a must-read, even for people who never read a book in their lives, and yes, Dunmanway, I’m looking at ye here.
The blurb promises to chart his journey from trauma to healing — I’m delighted for Harry and not just because the journey was first class all the way.
Obviously, we’ll be looking for a little bit more than healing from Harry. I’ll be looking for my money back if there isn’t at least one chapter titled ‘Kate Middleton is a Totes B*tch’.
It’s going to be trickier going on four foreign holidays in 2023. It was grand in 2022, when we’d get to say, “We’re off to Greece for a fortnight. Yes, yes, I know we’re just back from Florida, but we have a voucher due to Covid cancellation last year and we have to use it, it’s not like we’re made of money, please don’t try and tap me up for a loan, I heard your Ken lost a fortune on Bitcoin.”
There’s no “it was use it or lose it on the voucher front” any more.
So 2023 is the year when certain parts of Posh Cork will be going on expensive holidays, WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE.
I know, it feels strange just writing the words, but four foreign holidays in one year is the kind of thing that would attract the attention of the Revenue. And as the Posh Cousin loves to tell me, the top table of Cork society didn’t get where they are today by paying tax.
So that’s 2023 for you now. People trying to spend money without getting caught.
Whatever you do, don’t spend it on the scam app Aliexpesss — they uploaded all the images off my phone and they’re blackmailing me with the contents of a folder called Kinsale XXX. Happy new year, ye gowls.
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