Stars in Your Lives: Why a Cancer is the most devoted sign — but hyper-emotional

Each week, we take a fun look at the star signs. This week we look at the Cancer personality and what you can expect if you have that crab energy in your life.

This sign obsesses over matters of the heart.

Date: 22 June — 23 July Element: Water
Symbol: The Crab

It’s your first week as a schoolteacher — while you anticipated some conflict with hormonal teenagers, you didn’t expect one student to spend every class wailing like a banshee. You’ve sought advice from her parents and the principal — and the chaplain in case the devil has ransacked her soul. But nobody knows the cause of her distress.

Then, during double-geography, the crying miraculously stops — before you can celebrate, you realise a look of disgust has replaced the tears. Her uniform might be navy, but the only colour this teenager identifies with is red.

“What’s wrong — why are you angry?” you ask.

“You should be arrested for what you said to me,” she hisses, her hands sitting confrontationally on her hips.

“What did I say?” “You mean, what didn’t you say? Firstly, you asked me to move a table as if I were some bodybuilder — shaming me in front of the class! Then, making matters worse, you told Sandra Kavanagh that she’d nice penmanship.” “Well, she has—” “And what about me? Do I scrawl? Is my copybook like a doctor’s prescription pad?” The joys of teaching a hyper-emotional Cancerian — arguably the Zodiac’s moodiest sign! No matter what you say or do, they’ll interpret it as an insult. These crabs forever play the victim, convinced everyone is stabbing them in the back. (In fairness, they might have a point, as Cancerian Julius Caesar will attest.)

THE CANCERIAN BABY:

This sign fixates on the family. Look at the number of songs Cat Stevens, a Cancerian, wrote about the clan — “Father and Son”, “Matthew and Son”, “Granny”, “Here Comes My Wife”, “I Love My Dog”….

The downside to this familial devotion is that they’ll never leave your side. Don’t expect your child to flee the nest at seventeen like normal teenagers. One-hundred-and-seventeen, maybe. Although probably not even then.

More positively — unlike other signs, you’ll have no problem getting your little one into the tub. That expression about not throwing babies out with the bathwater was surely coined for Cancerians because after sulking, being submerged in H20 is their favourite hobby — they never want to get out! (See: Michael Phelps, another crab.) As a bonus, you won’t even have to chaperone them — the only time this sign risks drowning is in their tears.

Elsewhere, because of their sentimental nature, they love retro clothes, so pop your old baby-doll dresses and dungarees into their wardrobe. Feel free to bin the denim you once wore to B*witched concerts, though — Cancerians only like smooth, soft fabrics. Even a butterfly’s gossamer wings are too harsh for these delicate creatures.

Some of our most cherished stars were born under this sign, including Meryl Streep. Picture: Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP, File)

THE CANCERIAN CELEBRITY

When they’re on their best behaviour, Cancerians are a delight. Some of our most cherished stars were born under this sign — Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Meryl Streep, Margo Robbie, Ariana Grande, Cheryl Cole and Robin Williams.

But they’re also as odd as two left gumboots — actually, let’s say goofy, lest I offend them. For instance, Cyndi Lauper’s debut album was perfectly entitled She’s So Unusual.

My word, they make mountains out of molehills! Bill Withers once sang that there was no sunshine when his lover was gone. Astronomers predict that it’ll take seven billion years before the sun splutters out, so these exaggerated lyrics were another case of a Cancerian overstating to play the ‘poor me’ card.

They’re also incredibly clingy — listen to George Michael pleading, “Wake me up before you go-go, cos I ain’t planning on a-going solo.” And when the late Princess Diana revealed “there were three of us in this marriage,” she wasn’t complaining because crabs crave company. Fellow Cancerian Camilla Parker Bowles probably enjoyed the ménage à trois as well.

THE CANCERIAN COLLEAGUE

Their inherent kindness and compassion have helped crabs shine in activism work like Malala Yousafzai, Nelson Mandela and Helen Keller. When they cloned the first sheep, Dolly, they ensured she was a cute Cancerian. As such, if you receive a scolding from the boss, this colleague will offer a shoulder to cry on — although said shoulder will probably be already soaked in their own tears.

Few signs embraced the pandemic more than shy and introverted Cancerians, as it allowed them to work from home. If your colleague has been dragged back to the office, they’ll cheer themselves up by transforming their desk into a museum with sentimental mementoes and family photographs.

However, don’t be fooled by their love of cookies and unicorns — because emotions dictate their every move, the F.B.I. has revealed they’re the star sign most likely to transgress. They’re particularly prone to committing crimes of passion — if there are shenanigans in the workplace, expect your crabby cohort to be the first to blow the whistle as Cancerian Julian Assange once did.

THE CANCERIAN LOVER

As you’ve gathered by now, this sign obsesses over matters of the heart. Only a Cancerian like Titanic’s Gloria Stuart would throw a priceless necklace into the Atlantic Ocean to honour a New York-minute lover. And what about big, auld romantic Henry VIII, who, with the support of the executioner, never lost faith that he’d find his forever love.

Yes, a Cancerian partner is worth their weight in gold — funny, intuitive, nurturing and emotionally intelligent, who places the family and home front and centre in their lives. These cutie pies will even suggest getting matching tattoos during the first date.

Annoy them, however, and you’ll know all about it. Ask Anne Boleyn.