Listen — Ask Audrey: The minute you go past Little Island, you’re surrounded by people who have names for their tractor

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Listen — Ask Audrey: The minute you go past Little Island, you’re surrounded by people who have names for their tractor

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s getting giddy on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Have Nightmares About Sitting Next to A Norrie on The Train. Fifi_BackfromDavos said it’s a balls that you have to drive up to Dublin for the old Christmas shop, wouldn’t it be the business if you could neck a bottle of bubbles with some bee-atches from Dublin 4 and sashay home on the train. 

Leonora_WontBoreYa said tell me about it babe, I got the train down last year and ended up sitting across from this one from Tralee who spent two hours on the phone talking about her greyhound, #NeverAgain. I was straight back to them, saying this is a joke, if the Royal family can have their own train surely it’s not beyond Irish Rail to lay on a dedicated luxury carriage for Douglas Road Stunners. The rest of the bee-atches thought that was a great idea, which is a rarity seeing they usually ignore me because my brother only went to Coláiste Chríost Rí. 

Bronagh_OwnATesla said you’d think that between us we’d have enough pull to sort out a Stunners Only carriage, after all we’ve done for the less well-off in Cork at must-go charity balls. So Audrey, I’m very excited, they’re after giving me the job of organising a the whole thing – do you know where I could get an amaze-balls train carriage? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road.

I rang Buckingham Palace there and asked if the royal carriage was available for rent. The langer on the phone said, what gives you the impression the royal family will do anything to make money? I said, everything I’ve ever heard about them.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Well there’s only one question on everyone’s lips up here in north Cork and that’s how do you tune into ITV? Berna started it the other night when she came over to my place to see if they’d make that gowl Matt Hancock eat a bowl of monkey bollocks on I’m a Celeb. Wasn’t she scrolling away through the old Insta when she left a roar out of her, saying “Jesus tonight Rosealeen from Ballydesmond, all anyone is talking about is Roy Keane at the World Cup and even though he’s from Cork, there is no way to look at his punditry because he’s on the old ITV.” 

Well, the word went around the town and didn’t it emerge that Maisie Mangan’s son, the biggest nerd in north Cork, had tuned her satellite so she could watch Roy. Christ on a bike but you can’t move over there now on match night, the whole place is in her sitting room , and yes we bring our own food, it isn’t like we’re from Scartaglin. The soccer is about as exciting as a talent show in Knocknagree Audrey, it’s hardly worth it for the bit of perving at Roy. Maisie’s nerves wouldn’t be the best – do you think it would he ok to ask her to switch over to Can’t Pay We’ll Take it Away? 

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I said to My Conor last night, do we have ITV? He said, why? I said because I want to perv at Roy Keane during the World Cup. He said, do you realise that’s embarrassing for me? I said, why, because he’ s from the northside?

C’mere, what’s the story with making it easier for savages to come into Cork city? Myself and the old doll were watching the news there last night and they announced a a DART for Cork, where they are basically building a langer-load of new train stations in east Cork. The old doll said that’s a game changer, Dowcha Donie, we should move to Carrigtwohill. I said, nah girl. She said, why? 

I said, because it’s Carrigtwohill ya gomie – I’d rather go to a poetry reading in St Lukes. Come on like, the minute you go past Little Island, you’re surrounded by people who have names for their tractor. Budgie’s brother moved to Midleton and now his family can only make out every second word that he’s saying. Do you know the way they got that really annoying accent in Dublin after they built the DART, it do sound like a pregnant donkey. Well, if the same thing happens here, we’re looking at East Cork speak becoming the dominant accent on Leeside. End of civilisation Audrey – can we stop it?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

It’s better than a West Cork accent taking over – we don’t want people thinking we’re from Kerry!

Now listen up Paddy. I don’t wish to alarm you but it is my belief you are in extreme danger. If things carry on like this there is every chance you will end up living next door to the World Cup Champions. I’m sure it hasn’t escaped your notice that we English tend to crow a bit about our victories, possibly because they are few and far between. If you would like to get away from us, I have a suitably sized island in the Caribbean, available for rent. Do let me know, because the Scots and the Welsh are asking for it as well. 

— Lord Edmund D’Servant-Spanker, London and Jamaica.

I don’t know about the rest of the country, and I don’t care. But here in Cork we’re well used to blocking out noisy neighbours who can’t stop banging on about their latest win in a football championship. #YerraWeWonItAgain

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