Ask Audrey: Apparently cava and tapas is totes Carrigaline now

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s getting royal on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Understand Why Diana was so Unhappy. It started when I hosted a cava and tapas party to binge watch the latest season of The Crown on Wednesday afternoon. (I’m barred from the group for six weeks after the fecking thing. A pparently cava and tapas is totes Carrigaline now - we’re back around to French again so it’s champers and canapés, or you’re out on your ear. ) Anyway, we get to the bit in The Crown where Diana has this incredible gaff in West London, her husband is ignoring her, her child is in boarding school, and we’re all there going, “Who do I have to sleep with to get this kind of a lifestyle?” 

King Charles, says Fifi_DryRobe, and we all made yuk sounds and then Orla_VolvoXC90 said I definitely would if he looked like Dominic West and we all went quiet because you need to focus when you’re having dirty thoughts. Chloe_LuvMyPlanet said soz now bee-atches, there are big learnings here, all that money just made Diana miserable.. Well, we banned her for a month for saying learnings, you’d swear we were at work, if any of us had a job to go to . But Audrey, I can’t help wondering, is it possible to be miserable when you have loads of money? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

My nephew describes himself as a Good Mood Guru. I said, does money make you happy? He said, no idea, my actual job is a clown at children’s parties, I can barely afford a pair of giant red shoes.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. They say that women are programmed to forget childbirth or otherwise we’d never have a second one. Well, I’m beginning to think it’s the same for Berna and myself when it comes to weekend breaks in Dublin. Every November, we go up for the bit of shopping and swear, Jesus, never again lads, you’d be robbed, and the accent on them, it’s like being followed around by Joe Duffy. 12 months on and aren’t we thinking of going back again, sure there’s goldfish with longer memories than that. 

Anyway, we were looking up hotels yesterday , two double rooms in case we get lucky, and you’d buy a house in Knocknagree with the money they want for one night. Berna said, bear with me now Rosealeen from Ballydesmond, is there anything to be said for staying with your bitch of a sister above in Dublin, we’d get a week in Tenerife from the money we saved on a hotel? I said, oh Jesus, why would I draw her on myself around Christmas time, telling me that my hairdo is a fright and she’s ashamed to be seen with me in Dundrum? Would it look strange if I wore noise-cancelling headphones while staying there?

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My sister lives in Dublin, she’s a pity. I said, what would you say if I turned up in your house wearing noise-cancelling headphones? She said, anything I want ed , you couldn’t hear me.

So, people say to me, what kind of music do you like Ed, and I say, UK drill dude, and they say, never heard of it and I say, ya, that’s why I like it, radical. I’m still wearing shorts, l ike every other one-per-center in Ballintemple, because nothing says I’m a totally loaded entrepreneur taking time out to incubate ideas than showing off your sailing tan in mid-November. 

My man Bryan-with-a-y is with me on this and I can sense the envy coming off the scobes from Douglas when we’re strutting our stuff at the Marina Market, because they’d be doing well to own a rubber dinghy down in Schull. Problem is, don’t know if you noticed Audrey, but there’s a nip in the air this week and long story short, I’m freezing in the old shorts. I don’t want to admit this to Bryan-with-a-y because he’s a beast if you show any weakness. What do you reckon I should do? 

- Ed, Ballintemple.

I was going to say take off your shorts, but the last time I said that to a guy from Ballintemple, I got in fierce trouble with his wife.

C’mere, what’s the story with cold soup? I’ve started doing the business with this one from Malaga, she’s a Young Offenders super-fan and she’s after getting it into her head that I’m the bulb off of Billy Murphy. This strikes me as impossible because the gomie who plays him is from the southside, do you know what I mean? 

Anyway, she invited me over for dinner the other night and after all that, didn’t she give me cold soup. I said, you’d never heat that up for me there love, would you? She said, but it’s gazpacho you gowl – she do be all in on the Corkness – it’s a soup we serve cold in Spain. I said, sorry girl but cold soup is against the laws of nature. Is this the end of me now with Spanish old dolls? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My new au pair is from Spain, My Conor is cock-a-hoop. I said to her, why do ye eat cold soup? She said, it’s nutritious and it’s really cheap, Audrey! I said, why is that so important? She said, because the Irish people only pay us 10 euro an hour and expect us to cut the grass. The ingratitude!