Richard Hogan: Is your child avoiding school? They could be caught in a positive feedback loop

"Anxiety is the fear of surprise or uncertainty, and we are always living in an uncertain world"

Last week, I explained that anxiety is often future-oriented and develops when a child has worried ruminating thoughts about an unknown future event that they believe they do not have the competency or skills to manage. 

One of the failed interventions parents can get caught in, is constantly trying to reassure their worried child. Of course, it makes sense, the child comes to you for support and encouragement, you give them what they are seeking, but you are puzzled why they are back to you again looking for more encouragement. 

Parents come to realise very quickly that the more they reassure their child, the more the child needs reassurance, and they get caught in a positive feedback loop. This is when the thing you use to manage your worry is the thing that causes your worry. Now, that is something really important to think about - how does my child manage worry? 

When we have a fear we generally have three responses, we attempt to control the fear which leads to obsessive behaviours, we attempt to avoid the fear which leads to phobic behaviours or constantly search for reassurance which leads to further worried thoughts. 

The more reassurance they receive, the more they are receiving the message they don’t have the skills to meet the unknown event. 

Now, let’s look at how we disrupt each of these responses. Obsessive behaviours are when a child engages in ritualistic thinking or actions. They do something like count in even numbers, they touch something a number of times, or they go through a set routine each night before sleep, but they are now stuck doing these things to make them feel less anxious but now their life has spiraled out of control because the very thing they are using to make the anxiety less vocal in their life is the thing that is causing their life to collapse. 

If this sounds familiar, you really should seek professional advice to help your child out of this type of logic. It often seems incredibly irrational, but in reality it is the application of hyperrationality to an external stressor - 'If I do A well then B will follow and that process will make me feel better'. And that’s the logic that needs to be disrupted. 

This kind of obsessive-compulsive thinking causes an incredible amount of suffering for people. I see it every day in my clinic. Anxiety is the fear of surprise or uncertainty, and we are always living in an uncertain world, but modern times have been particularly challenging for anyone living with obsessive, ritualistic thinking habits.

Economic uncertainty, pandemic, climate change, all of these serious and pressing issues have significantly impacted on our children’s anxiety levels. A phrase that clients find useful is, ‘take control of not having control, that will give you control’. 

What this does is help a person realise that their desire for control is causing their behaviour but if they stop using the logic they will gain more control, that is very appealing to someone who is pathologically trying to control every aspect of their life. Think about your relationship with worry and now think about your child’s relationship with it. 

Do they believe that worry has positive outcomes; if I worry about the exam I will achieve a higher mark? This is often the beginning of this type of mindset. We have to help our children to see, worry doesn’t change any future outcome, only ruins the present.

If your child has started to avoid school or stopped going out meeting friends they are, more than likely, caught in a positive feedback loop. They feel worried, they stay at home, they feel better momentarily, but soon feel far worse because they now realise they cannot manage normal life. The more they avoid the more they have to avoid. 

A key tip with a child who avoids perceived stressful situations, is to bring them into the situation in a controlled way. For example, if your child is refusing to go to school, compromise with them and tell them they can come home later if they still feel the same way during the day. 

The last thing you should do is allow them to stay home. The more they avoid, the more they believe they cannot manage the situation and a phobic behaviour takes root. Once embedded in the child’s life, they become stuck. Their life retracts. So, it is vitally important that you work against this taking hold. 

Also, don’t allow all conversations to be about anxiety, this can often give it incredible power that the child doesn’t want to give up. All of a sudden they are the focal point of all family conversations, children can often be resistant to change because they worry they will be forgotten if they are not anxious.

Anxiety is on the increase, the best cure is prevention. Make sure you give your child the message they are powerful and are able to manage uncertainty and surprise.