Listen — Ask Audrey: 'I wouldn't want to end up in the CUH. I'd just hate to have to spend time in Wilton'

Sorting out Cork people for ages

'I started going out with a posh yoga instructor from Sunday’s Well. She’s like an elastic band'

It’s getting feral on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Tempted to Put Their Designer Dogs on DoneDeal. Fifi_CockaSetter said she was bang on trend two years ago when she got her CockaSetter, Ronan, from a boutique dog breeder near Dungarvan, but they’re a bit common now and your woman won’t take him back, typical Waterford like. 

Bronagh_OwnALabradoodle said she spent 5 grand on her dog, Ronan — we all named them after Ronan O’Gara, aren’t we gas altogether — anyway Bronagh said she met a guy down on the Marina yesterday with a Labradoodle like her Ronan, and HE WAS IN A GLEN ROVERS JERSEY, AUDREY. (And so was his owner.) We scrambled our Stunner Emergency Response team to help her through this, it was gridlock on the Douglas Road with all the Volvo XC90s, sirens going and everything.

We sat up with Bronagh over night, sobbing along with her and drinking shots of Grey Goose Luxury Vodka, oh Jesus we were mouldy. But the struggle is real, Audrey — we’re all quite attached to our designer cockapoos etc, but they’re just marking us out as dead common on the streets of Cork. I’d never dump my cockapoo on a country road — imagine if the video got out — but I’d love to give him to a deserving home. Do you know where I could find one, I’m sure they’d be well up for it in Glanmire?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I have a friend living in Glanmire, although I haven’t really talked to her since she moved there. I said, what would ye say to a labradoodle in Glanmire? She said, ruff ruff. I said, everything is rough out in Glanmire. She hung up.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I filled out a questionnaire the other night on a website that will tell you what you are doing wrong in the dating game — the website is called JesusNotAnotherDerek.ie. Well didn’t it come back with an answer in no time — my problem is that I only date Catholics and there is a limit to what they will get up to on account of the old guilt. Well didn’t I sign up on this boutique website for people trying to avoid Catholics, it’s called GoAwayWithYourOldPope, and an hour later I was messaging this lad called Gordon from down around Glandore.

He told me that he’s non-practicing Church Of Ireland and I said well that’s a no from me Gordon, I’d prefer a man who’s had a bit of practise and he said something I couldn’t possibly repeat but it was very funny and they said the protestants don’t have any sense of humour. I met him anyway in Bandon, Jesus and I thought Kanturk was a dump, but we got on like fire-crackers, back to his place and you wouldn’t accuse the man of being sexually repressed, I’ll tell you that much for nothing. I’ve invited him up to see me in Ballydesmond for the weekend, introduce him to Berna and the gang. The only problem is my mother — the woman should have been a nun she’s that holy and I wouldn’t put it past her to ask Gordon how’s he looking forward to an eternity in hell. Is there a way to disguise him as a Catholic?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My niece is doing a PhD in Theology, we’re all convinced she’s going to end up alone. I rang her there and said, what’s the best way to pretend you’re a Catholic? She said, have a good answer ready when someone asks, “who said mass?”

Hey dude, so I’m so cool I haven’t got a clue about mortgages. All the crew I came up with in Ballintemple, they all sold out large man and now they’re married with houses and kids called Saoirse because they’re big into Sinn Féin. I went to dinner in my friend Bryan with a Y’s house last night and it was three couples and me shouting, “Chill dudes there must be something more to life than talking about whether you fixed your mortgage or not, whatever that means.” I literally shouted this at them until Bryan with a Y’s ball and chain asked me to leave. So like, I’m thinking maybe I should get a mortgage, just to have something to talk about. Is that a good idea?
— Ed, Ballintemple

You’ll never be stuck for something to talk about when you have a mortgage. Myself and My Conor spend hours listing out all the holidays we can’t afford.

C’mere, what’s the story with flexibility. I started going out with this posh yoga instructor from Sunday’s Well — she says I keep her grounded, which is a polite way of saying I’m from Blackpool.
The problem is she’s like an elastic band in the sack and I keep pulling a muscle trying to keep up with her and no, that’s not a double entendre. Should I say, come here girl, is there any chance we could just do it lying down?
— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I was going out with this yoga instructor once. Sex with him used to take three hours. Mind you 2 hours and 58 minutes of that was me doing warm-ups so I wouldn’t end up in A&E out in CUH. It wasn’t the queues that put me off, it was more I hate spending time in Wilton.