Listen — Ask Audrey: Would the Wagatha Christie of Fermoy please stand up?

Someone has to be leaking those texts

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s all hand on deck on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Used to Know a Guard that Could Get That Squashed for You. Cliona_GirlRacer sparked it off when she said she got stopped by this gorgeous guard for speeding near Schull over the weekend, she said she definitely would because she’s always wondered what it’s like to have it off with a certified bogman. Anyway, she asked the group if we knew anyone that could "scrub her fine off the system" because we all know that breaking the law is only for Norries. This sparked a fascinating conversation between the Stunners. Orla_ElectricVolvo said there was a time we all knew a guard before we got proper loaded and stopped mingling with GAA types and the like. But we move in different circles now, where it’s not unusual to find a Catholic man who plays hockey. Great insights, but the next day, was there a headline in a local tabloid — Douglas Road Stunner Stopped by Hot Guard. This is Wagatha Christie with knobs on. Someone is obvs leaking our private chats and Fifi_TwoCockapoos said it must be me because my mother is from Fermoy. They are having a lunch trial for me tomorrow, that’s where everyone bar the defendant goes boozing in Kinsale, and next thing you know you’re barred from the WhatsApp FOR LIFE! How can I prove it wasn’t me? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road