Listen — Ask Audrey: Would the Wagatha Christie of Fermoy please stand up?

Someone has to be leaking those texts

It’s all hand on deck on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Used to Know a Guard that Could Get That Squashed for You. Cliona_GirlRacer sparked it off when she said she got stopped by this gorgeous guard for speeding near Schull over the weekend, she said she definitely would because she’s always wondered what it’s like to have it off with a certified bogman. Anyway, she asked the group if we knew anyone that could "scrub her fine off the system" because we all know that breaking the law is only for Norries. This sparked a fascinating conversation between the Stunners. Orla_ElectricVolvo said there was a time we all knew a guard before we got proper loaded and stopped mingling with GAA types and the like. But we move in different circles now, where it’s not unusual to find a Catholic man who plays hockey. Great insights, but the next day, was there a headline in a local tabloid — Douglas Road Stunner Stopped by Hot Guard. This is Wagatha Christie with knobs on. Someone is obvs leaking our private chats and Fifi_TwoCockapoos said it must be me because my mother is from Fermoy. They are having a lunch trial for me tomorrow, that’s where everyone bar the defendant goes boozing in Kinsale, and next thing you know you’re barred from the WhatsApp FOR LIFE! How can I prove it wasn’t me? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I was going to say — maybe stop writing into me every week with the latest Stunner updates, but I’d be lost without ya!

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Well, it’s August so that means my bitch of a sister is down from Dublin with her American-sounding kids and droopy drawers of a husband, he’s Chief Vision Monkey for some multi-national, that’s his actual title. What a pleasure it is, listening to her telling me and my mother what we’ve done wrong with her lives, stuck in the septic tank of north Cork while she’s above in Dublin with her tote bags and fake tits. This year, she has steam coming out of her pointy ears over the ‘backward kids camps’ we have locally compared to the one they have in the so-called capital. Apparently, their childhood is ruined because they’re not learning Extreme Mindful Origami with other American-sounding children because the only option here is a few hours of running around a field with some ‘feral semi-humans from Boherbue’, her words not mine, although I wouldn’t say she was 100% wrong either. Anyway, long story short, it’s all my fault, as usual, so I have to look after her dozy sprogs for two days while herself and the Chief Vision Monkey soak themselves in a hot tub in some 5-star hell-hole near Killarney. I’d rather lick the main street in Scartaglin than make a connection with my nephew and niece — how can I entertain them at all? 

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My niece is doing a PhD in childhood development, it’s called, Why Do They Keep Asking for Treats? I rang her there and asked, "what’s the downside in putting kids in front of screens all day?" She said; "they hog all the broadband while you’re trying to buy a hammock online."

How’re oo goin’ on? I think I’m getting the eye from the Swiss one staying in the Airbnb, but I’ve been wrong about this stuff in the past. You see, herself has fallen in with a crowd of layabout surfing enthusiasts inside in Clonakilty and didn’t she up and take off with them for a road trip along the west coast. The very day she left, didn’t a woman from Geneva arrive to stay in the Airbnb, but she has an Italian or Spanish look about her, she’s like a one you’d see up in Galway. I was passing her little houseen yesterday, minding my own business, when I spotted her out in the garden with her leg wrapped around her neck in some kind of yoga pose, it didn’t leave much to the imagination. Like any good West Cork man, I went from a state of arousal to shame and embarrassment in 5 seconds and departed the scene quick-smart throwing a shower of ‘sorry, ma’am, sorry’ over my shoulder. Well didn’t a text land on the old Nokia 23 minutes later? It was from the Swiss one, saying, "You have nothing to be sorry about, join me for yoga tomorrow, you wild man." Is that a come on, tell me?

— Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway

It’s a clear-cut come-on. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear, because now you’re going to have to take a bath.

C’mere, quick one, am I the only one who thinks that swimming in the sea in Ireland is for gomies? We were in Spain there last week, gorgeous water, like getting into the bath. So myself and Budgie were in Garryvoe yesterday, nice enough day. I legged it into the water thinking, this is going to be the berries now lah, and next thing I know, my gonads are up around my neck. Freezing. They still haven’t re-appeared. Am I doing it wrong or what like?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

The Posh Cousin is big into sea swimming, it’s another great way to show off her wealth. I told her how you went about swimming and asked, "is he missing something?" She said, "his testicles, for starters!" (She never says balls.)