Ask Audrey: 'Covid won't stop me scoring with babes in Mallorca'

It's just a light strain of coronavirus, lay off

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hey dude, so I’m from the richest family in Ballintemple, measured by the number of times I had to use a bank draft to buy a pair of designer sunglasses. So myself and my man Bryan with a ‘y’ are due to fly out to Mallorca this weekend — we booked the row behind us and in front of us as well, so we don’t have to sit near people who pronounce it Majorka. There will be none of them in the resort, for sure — it’s so exclusive, you can’t pronounce it unless you went to private school. There’s just one problem — I have a touch of Covid. It’s a really chilled strain of Covid just to be clear, I feel a bit light-headed but in an enjoyable kind of way. I told Bryan with a ‘y’ and he was like, “dude, stay in Cork if you like, that’s just more trust fund babes in the queue for Bryan with a ‘y’.” So, like, ‘no’, ya feel me? I haven’t spent the last two years cooped up in Ireland with trainee mechanics from Athlone just so that Bryan with a ‘y’ can get a clear run at some of the most thoughtful hot babes in Europe. I’m here going — “Ed, you belong in Mallorca dude, surrounded by people who never have to make their own lunch — just get on that plane and say nothing.” Anything wrong with that?

— Ed, Ballintemple.

Sorry, I can’t deal with this. I still get itchy when I think about catching something off someone in Mallorca.

C’mere, what’s the story with getting a separate weather forecast for Cork on RTÉ? Like, it’s bad enough that we have to watch the backward langballs from Limerick and Kerry enjoying Croke Park on successive Sundays — but then they make us watch the rest of the country enjoying a heatwave while we’re down here with a lily-livered 23 degrees. I was watching the news with Budgie during the week, and it was all these gobshites in Dublin with 99s melting out of the cone, and down over their hands. Budgie was shouting, “Ye need to eat it faster than that, ye gomies”, which I felt was missing the point. I said, “Budgie, this is anti-Cork propaganda from RTÉ, goading us for our half-arsed heatwave down south while they’re total Bahamas up in Dublin — come on like, we pay our TV license as well! He said “what’s a TV license”, so I gave up. But I have a point, don’t I? Can you ring RTÉ there, and ask them to give Cork its own weather forecast?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

RTÉ is a bit Dublin-centric in fairness. I rang them there and this young one with a south county Dublin accent answered the phone. I said, “why don’t ye have a weather forecast for Cork?” She said, “I toe-dally think it’s not even in Ireland babes, but I’ll check with my boss, who is also my brother.”

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. It’s summer festival time here again in north Cork and no, I wouldn’t advise anyone to make a day out of it at Queen of the Silage in Knocknagree. But there is one blasted festival that exists to mock the good women of north Cork, and that is a beauty festival in Scartaglin called Scart for Skirt. The awkward truth for people like myself, is that most of the slack-jawed gobshite men up here are foolish for the women of Scartaglin. Never mind that said women have a prenup to make sure that any children will play for Kerry instead of Cork — the only men available in north Cork are the ones who failed to find a wife in Scartaglin. Well, bad cess to that anyway I said to Berna the other night, it’s time we held a beauty contest in the town to advertise our wares. Things can move quickly when Berna is on the old Aperol Spritz, and by God isn’t there a beauty festival on the cards for downtown Ballydesmond this coming Sunday, before the match. What do you think we should call it?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

I rang my friend Straight Talking Sandra and said, give me a word to describe a beauty festival in north Cork. She said, ‘brief’.

It’s getting vicious on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Whose Kids Jump Off the Poshest Pier in Cork. Fifi_200QuidBirkenstock started it all with an Instagram post of her kids jumping off a pier in Ballycotton. “East Cork,” we all said to her, and the last I heard she’s moving to Bishopstown in total disgrace. Shiv_AmazingCheekBones said she knows this amazing place just before Schull, totes off the grid, you go down there and it’s wall-2-wall Cork royalty, Range Rovers up the yazoo. We’re all begging her for the address but she’s like back off bee-atches, I’m hardly going to hand over the hottest spot in west Cork to a fellow Douglas Road Stunner. I know you’re from Ballinlough Audrey, but surely you know someone who knows someone, I really have to find that pier.

— Jenni, Douglas Road.

I rang the Posh Cousin and asked would Cork royalty mind if a Douglas type turned up at their pier? She said not at all, they’re always looking for someone else to look after their kids.