Holly Carpenter: Since I’ve turned 30, I’m much more my own person

Photo: Alan Keville

When my Mum and Dad had me, they originally lived in an apartment in Harold’s Cross and then they moved to a house in Raheny. It was me and my younger brother, Ben. We grew up in a cul-de-sac, so all the kids were able to play out on the street without cars flying by. We were able to go skipping out on the road or play tip-the-can or draw with chalk. It was really nice to have that kind of childhood where you were just outside all day. It was a really nice area to grow up in.

I think that I can actually remember being bathed as a baby. Being in one of those really small baths. I do have lots of fond memories of bath time because I had so many toys in the bath—dolphins and Barbies and different things, so I used to always want to stay in the bath for hours. Even now, as an adult, I find it the best way to relax. If I go to a hotel, I run straight into the bathroom to see if they have a bath. I think that’s one of my first memories.

In terms of a time where I felt I worked really, really hard for something and I achieved it, would probably be when I got accepted into NCAD, the National College of Art and Design. From first year, it was the only college I wanted to go to, and you have to do a portfolio and submit it and everything so it is a lot of work outside of the Leaving Cert. It was the only college I had on my CAO form, and it was a real turning point for me to get accepted. I was really proud of myself, so it was one of those moments where I just felt that I had given something one hundred per cent and really believed in myself that I could do it. Even though that was years ago, I still remember being just delighted.

When I won Miss Ireland, I was in NCAD, and I had worked so hard to get there but I was getting all of these opportunities to travel and to work and to do photoshoots and it was a now or never kind of thing. So, I took a year out of college and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I stayed because I ended up not going back. I think that was one of those crossroads points for me.

From the age of 23 to 27 would be when I was struggling with depression, anxiety and body image and all of that in one go. I was kind of on and off anti-depressants and just trying to figure myself out. I think that’s a really strange time because you’re not a teenager anymore, but you’re also still in your 20s, and you’re still kind of living at home and trying to find yourself. I just remember feeling really lost. I feel like a lot of people struggle with that. That would probably a time that I just remember really struggling every day.

I always ask people for advice, it’s kind of like I can’t make up my own mind with things sometimes and I end up asking everyone for advice. My grandad always used to say: “this too shall pass” and it’s such a simple saying but nothing is permanent, and you will get through things and it’s just trying to remember that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

I have a lot of good friends and I am really close with my parents, but I feel like [the person I turn to most] would be my boyfriend, Jamie. He has seen me at my worst— definitely—and my best, so I don’t feel like I have to have any kind of guard up with him or pretend I’m okay. I can just be really, really honest and he knows that I have bad anxiety still some days, where I put pressure on myself with things and get worked up. He has a really calming effect on me. I know that there is no judgement or anything so I do feel like I can really talk to him about what is going on.

The life lesson I’d like to pass on… is there’s no shame in hitting the pause button and looking after yourself and taking a bit of time because I think sometimes, we’re pressured to always know what we’re doing, to have a plan, to have a to-do list, to be waking up, hitting the gym—doing everything and there’s a lot of power in hitting pause, I think.

I look back at myself in my teenage years and my early 20s and, I think it's common enough at that age, but I just cared so much what other people thought about me and I think it held me back from going for things or taking opportunities. I look back now, and I just wish I could have been my own person a bit more and not cared what my peers thought. Any kind of small criticism, I really took to heart. I think it comes with age. Since I’ve turned 30, I’m much more my own person. If I feel like I can do something, I really back myself but I think I was always looking for other people to back me.

I’d like to be remembered to be funny and honest and loyal and kind. If you’re those things, you’ll get far and to be remembered as someone who makes people feel important. Never overlook people or make them feel small.

Holly’s podcast Filter Free by Holly Carpenter is available to listen to now on streaming platforms.