Ask Audrey: Say what you will about Ballydesmond, but we were well-stocked with pervert farmers

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: Say what you will about Ballydesmond, but we were well-stocked with pervert farmers

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. My dating life is after getting a bit of kink in it so didn’t I ring Berna last night and ask her for a loan of her cat o’ nine tails. 

Well, didn’t he answer the phone with nam-ass-day. I said, sorry I think I might have a wrong number and she said, hello Rosealeen it’s me alright and I said why are you speaking in tongues with your nam-ass-day and she said it’s not tongues you clown, it’s namaste, the thing you say at the start of yoga class to make it look like you know what you’re doing. 

I said, 'what are you doing?' and she said, I’m opening an Eastern Spiritual Wellness Centre in Ballydesmond, my cousin Nora has one in Kiskeam. I said, what would you know about that, you’ve never been east of Dungarvan? 

She said, all I know is that Nora is making 4 grand a week with yoga lessons, the old pervert farmers are gone mad for the opportunity to watch the local talent wrapping their legs around their ears. 

Say what you will about Ballydesmond, but we were always well-stocked with pervert farmers, so isn’t Berna’s computer on fire with all the bookings. The only thing she’s lacking now is a mission statement for her Eastern Spiritual Wellness Centre. What do you think it should be, tell me? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My niece loves chewing gum and spirituality, we call her Hubba Buddha. I said, what would you look for in a north Cork wellness centre? She said, the exit.

C’mere, what’s the story with Norries and skiing? Myself and Budgie were talking there the other night, and I says, Budgie, we have good jobs now boy, maybe we should take a break from flying over to watch Liverpool matches and take a winter break where there’s a chance we’ll meet something other than old dolls who drink seven pints of ale and bang on about the legacy of Kenny Dalglish. 

He said, my cousin Trev goes skiing, it’s mad fun and even the Germans are good crack after eight rounds of Jager Bombs. There’s this posh bird at work, Diane, so I asked her where would be a good place to hit the slopes and she said, try Slovakia, it’s earthy and good value which was her way of saying dog rough and cheap, perfect for a Norrie like yourself, but I let it slide because she do have these amazing eyes. 

So like, if we go to Slovakia, will me meet posh birds, or will it just be giggly culchie girls trying to escape from Skibbereen? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, what’s the skiing like in Slovakia? She said, it’s like Puck Fair with snow. #Terrifying

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment, where working together as a team, we built a papier-maché model of Russia and then Bunty Von Trousers Down (our codename for Boris) had a little piddle on it. 

You probably can’t understand this because you didn’t go to Oxford. Anyhow, there was a lot of distress at the top table about the Prince Who Can’t be Mentioned and his 12 million pound settlement. Bunty suggested he’s a drag on the exchequer and perhaps we could try and sell him to the Irish, but even Jacob Rees-Mogg thought that was a non-runner, and he’s normally up for anything. 

As a compromise, we decided it would be nice if you Micks got together and raised a bit of money to help the Queen to pay for the Prince Who Can’t be Mentioned. She’s 95 you know, it’s important to look after old people. 

Jacob Rees M suggested you might run a nationwide fast, until someone pointed out that you Micks would probably complain that ‘tis loike de famine all over agin, so it is.’ So how about we settle for a nice charity cake sale? 

- Lord Edmund D’Servant-Spanker, London and a surprisingly large amount of India, I thought we’d given that back

My sister is big on the charity scene in Cork – and I mean big, she’s finding it very difficult to lose weight what with three charity lunches a week. I said, what would you like to do for the Queen? She said, go back in time and give her a new set of kids.

It’s getting jumpy on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Totally Against the Removal of Masks in Shops. Daphne_2inScoilMhuire said she heard that NPHET is going to remove the law requiring masks in shops and soz bee-atches but is that the end of me sneaking into Mr Price incognito? 

She got a six-week ban from the group for mentioning a discount supermarket, but we were all thinking the same thing. The only thrill I had during the first lockdown was buying a three pack of smaller-than-usual Kit Kats in Dealz. That will be off limits when it’s masks-off, because a Douglas Road stunner is obvs toast if they are identified going into one of those shops. What can we do? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang my friend Straight Talking Sandra and said, what’s the best disguise for a Douglas Road Stunner in the post-mask era. She said, tell her stop taking Botox for a month and people will think she’s her aunt.

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