Ask Audrey: Socialising in Killarney is something you’d expect from a Norrie

Lorna posted Jessie Buckley’s photo with the caption ‘Never seen anyone looking like this in Killarney, even after two bottles of prosecco’.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I never make an effort going on a date with a local gowl from north Cork, because them lads would barely notice if you had a second nose. But didn’t I land myself a night out with a fella from Midleton this weekend and east Cork people have loads of money although you wouldn’t know it by looking at them. So off with me down to Cutz 4 Culchies for a hairdo this morning, and didn’t Margie herself greet me at the door to say, “Listen now Rosealeen, I don’t want any trouble, but I’ve had to put my prices up 15% due to pressures from suppliers.” Well didn’t I rear up at her and say, what suppliers Margie, sure you haven’t bought as much as a new curler since 1997? She never had much of a sense of humour and long story short, I’m barred for six months, which is a problem up here because you’d want to be as daft as Evil Knievel to get your hair cut in Scartaglin. I’ve decided to go into Cork city and get a fancy fringe for your man from Midleton – so like, what do people talk about in hairdressers above in Cork? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My friend Straight-Talking Sandra owns a chain of hair-stylists around Cork. I rang her there and asked, what would you say to a woman from Ballydesmond? She said, sorry we’re closed – you’d never get rid of the smell, Audrey.

So, good news, my old man’s net worth is north of 56 million. Bad news, this chunk of change gives him access to the best health care in the world and it could be 40 years before he kicks the bucket. The waiting is the hardest part, ya feeling me? And I can totally sense the contempt from the hot Croatian girl at Samba Drumming when she asks what I do for a living and I say, wait for my 10 grand a month allowance to drop into my bank account. I was rapping about this to my friend, Bryan with a Y, and he said, Ed, dude, you need to start a retrofitting company and make a fortune you can call your own. I said, dude, speak English, retrofitting sounds like finding a suitable pair of limited edition Adidas runners from the early 90s and he was like, no dude, it’s something to do with insulating your house. And I was like, what would I know about that? He was like you don’t need to know anything, the government just announced huge grants for this carry-on, they’ll be firing cash at anyone with the word insulate on their website. So like, I’m totally up and running, would you like me to insulate your house? 

- Ed, Ballintemple.

No thanks. Every time we bring sexy workmen into our place, it ends up costing me a fortune in marriage counselling. #CaughtRotten 

It’s getting envious on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Believe That Someone from Kerry got Nominated for an Oscar. Flora_ZeroCarbon brought us the news that Jessie Buckley got the nod for her part in The Lost Daughter, and we all googled her at the same time, we wouldn’t know much about Hollywood stuff, movies are just for shop assistants from Ballincollig. Lorna_KindPuppies posted this Jessie’s photo into the group with the caption ‘Never seen anyone looking like this in Killarney, even after two bottles of prosecco’. Straight six weeks ban for Lorna there from the group, socialising in Killarney is something you’d expect from a Norrie. Fifi_SolarPower said this is a disaster for her, because she goes to Derrynane (the posh end) every summer and the Kerry crowd will be goading her from coming from a cultural wasteland, the cheek of them. Flora came back in at that point and asked the question that was on everybody’s mind – can anyone get word to Cillian Murphy and tell him we need to win an Oscar pronto, so we can go to our Kerry holiday homes in peace? So Audrey, can you sort out an Oscar nomination for Cork there, like a good woman? 

-Jenni, Douglas Road 

My posh nephew pretends to like indie films to attract French women. I explained your situation and he said, I feel really, really sorry for them. I said, why? He said, they can’t afford a place in West Cork.

C’mere, what’s the story with forgetting about Valentines? There doesn’t seem to be any fuss about it this year, because couples who’ve been cooped together for two years have totally stopped pretending that they like each other. The only thing keeping myself and old doll together at the moment is the prohibitive cost of rent if we split up. I normally buy her a pair of saucy knickers for Valentines, but I’m not sure they’d go down well this year and anyway I get very nervous going into Ann Summers in case I bump into me Mam on the way out. So like, what should I give my estranged old doll this Valentines? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

Give her a new name - Old Doll will get you cancelled by the end of the year. Stick with the sexy lingerie though – I get a naughty thrill wearing my Valentines knickers on a night out with My Conor. Mainly because they didn’t come from him. #SexyBuildersAgain

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