Ask Audrey: Nothing magical about visiting a fake North Pole with a family from Glanmire

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: Nothing magical about visiting a fake North Pole with a family from Glanmire

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Isn’t it well for ye up in Cork city with 40 miles of premium farmland between yeerselves and the shower of savages in Limerick and Kerry? Myself and Berna went into the chemist in Mallow yesterday to get our Covid booster shots and who did we pass going in but Billy O’Connor’s cousin from the Kerry side of the border in Scartaglin. ‘How dare you steal boosters from Cork people’? screamed Berna, barely disguising the fact that she was half-pissed before lunch. ‘This is my third booster in Cork this week’ says your one in her dilapidated gene pool of a Scartaglin accent, ‘I love getting things for free.’ Well, didn’t I rear up at her, with the kind of anger you’d expect from a Kiskeam man on the receiving end of a court order to cut his toenails. ‘Go back across that border now’ says I, ‘and pass word around east Kerry that rebel jabs are for rebel arms.’ This got a huge cheer from the people of Mallow, and they wouldn’t have much to cheer about. So Audrey, is it legal to tell browls from Kerry to shag off and get their own booster? — Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My niece is a barrister, she walked out of King’s Inns with an honours degree and an English accent. I asked her, what would be your legal advice to people in north Cork. She said, MOVE!

C’mere, what’s with the story with art? I seen this thing there during the week about a German outfit called the Crespo Foundation, that will put you up in this class gaff in West Cork for six months and all you have to do is produce a work of art. They’ll even give you a car as well, so you don’t have to walk around talking to gomies that live in the vicinity of Ballydehob. Now, I can barely draw breath, let alone a painting, but Budgie no bother boy, art isn’t about drawing any more, it’s more about doing controversial stuff that will appeal to billionaires. This seems like a great opportunity to explore my creative side and maybe have a bit of doo-daw with a hot European artist one in West Cork, don’t tell the old doll. Budgie says I need to get a portfolio. I said, no way boy, I’m not driving a Fiat, but he said, no, you need to show them some of your work. So I’m going to get going now, but all I need is an arty name. So, what do you reckon? — Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

There’s only one name for you Dowcha Donie – The Banksy of My Own Lovely Lee.

It’s getting competitive on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Whose Santa Went to Pres. Katie_EssentialOilRange said there is no way she’s bringing her little Fifi to some group Santa Experience — there’s nothing magical about wandering through a fake North Pole with a family from Glanmire. Prue_BetterThanYou said couldn’t agree more and they have all these unpronounceable Irish names like Sadbh and Eoghan, because their parents are just dying for them to vote Sinn Féin. We banned Prue for six weeks because we pride ourselves on knowing which way the wind is blowing on the Douglas Road, and this week, we’re foolish for Sinn Fein. Fifi_WhitePrius said it’s a disgrace that you can’t get exclusivity these days by going to the most expensive Santa, because they’re paying Ballincollig types a fortune now just to sit on Zoom calls with their multi-national overlords. Katie came back with a dinger of a suggestion — why don’t we just set up a Santa experience of our own, you have to produce a 20-year-old McWilliams sailing bag to get in? That’s up and running now Audrey — do you mind discreetly passing the word around to the people that matter? Jenni, Douglas Road.

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said are you bringing your kids to see Santa? She said, no, I stopped believing. I said, in Santa. She said, no, in doing anything that doesn’t involve child-minders and prosecco.

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British establishment, where this chap came in and gave us all a dose of electric shock therapy to get over the loss of India. I don’t think we’ll ever get over — you colonial types can be very ungrateful. Anyway, Bunty Von Luxembourg invited me to his place in Éire for Christmas, it’s near some place called Mitchelstown, Bunty says it basically Wales with a bad smell of cheese. The thing is, he gave me the lowdown on Yule time in Ireland and for some reason you say St Stephen’s Day instead of Boxing Day. That’s a chin scratcher Bunty, I roared across the room, I would have thought Paddy would be aching for fisticuffs. Anyway, why don’t you call it Boxing Day, you filthy Micks? — Lord Edmund D’Servant-Spanker, Monte Carlo, if the taxman is asking.

My nephew is an amateur historian, you should see the state of his clothes. I said, what is the story behind St Stephen’s Day? He said, Stephen was the first Christian martyr, stoned to death. I said, why do we commemorate that on December 26? He said, because most of us would rather be stoned to death than spend another day with our family.

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