Ask Audrey: Nothing magical about visiting a fake North Pole with a family from Glanmire

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Isn’t it well for ye up in Cork city with 40 miles of premium farmland between yeerselves and the shower of savages in Limerick and Kerry? Myself and Berna went into the chemist in Mallow yesterday to get our Covid booster shots and who did we pass going in but Billy O’Connor’s cousin from the Kerry side of the border in Scartaglin. ‘How dare you steal boosters from Cork people’? screamed Berna, barely disguising the fact that she was half-pissed before lunch. ‘This is my third booster in Cork this week’ says your one in her dilapidated gene pool of a Scartaglin accent, ‘I love getting things for free.’ Well, didn’t I rear up at her, with the kind of anger you’d expect from a Kiskeam man on the receiving end of a court order to cut his toenails. ‘Go back across that border now’ says I, ‘and pass word around east Kerry that rebel jabs are for rebel arms.’ This got a huge cheer from the people of Mallow, and they wouldn’t have much to cheer about. So Audrey, is it legal to tell browls from Kerry to shag off and get their own booster? — Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My niece is a barrister, she walked out of King’s Inns with an honours degree and an English accent. I asked her, what would be your legal advice to people in north Cork. She said, MOVE!