Ask Audrey: It wasn’t long before we were checking into a hotel in Mallow for afternoon delight

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: It wasn’t long before we were checking into a hotel in Mallow for afternoon delight

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

Do ya know, you’d find good people everywhere, even in Kerry. Myself and Berna went to Killarney on Wednesday to get a few pairs of Spanx — we always go to Killarney for the old shapewear, they have the extra strength stuff for the women across the border and isn’t it just as well. 

Anyway, we came across a tree down on the road and we were sitting there taking a few sips out of Berna’s hip-flask, when a lovely man came along with his tractor and moved the fecking thing out of the way. Things moved quickly after that and it wasn’t long before himself and myself were checking into a hotel in Mallow for afternoon delight. 

He’s a single father no less, three kids, and didn’t he invite me over to his house on Christmas Day?!! I’ve never been in Kerry for Christmas — I had a nightmare last night that I spent the whole day showing the kids how to put batteries into their new toys, because it can be fierce medieval in Scartaglin. Do you think it would be worth it for the bit of loving on Christmas night?

– Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I rang my friend, Straight Talking Sandra. She said, she’s on a hiding to nothing. I said, because he’s from Kerry? She said, no, because no one has sex on Christmas Night. #FoodBaby

It’s getting morbid on our family WhatsApp group, Five Generations Went to Pres.

Aidan_HouseInCrookhaven said we should abandon our family drinks in the Rochestown Park Hotel this year. Leoni_VicePresidentInLargeMultinational said I couldn’t agree more, I think the Rochestown Road is after getting fierce common, it’s gone like Grange with a slightly bigger Audi. 

Aidan posted a Stupid Girl GIF and said, no Leoni, I mean Daddy is refusing to get his booster shot after falling in with an anti-vaxxer clique in the golf club, and I think it’s important that we send him a message. 

Kiera_InclinedtoPanic said oh my God, I’d be devastated if anything happened to Daddy and Leoni said ye were always very close and Kiera said, no!, because he’s after changing the will to leave all his money to the anti-vaxxer clique in the golf club. 

We all sent each other a pin dropping GIF, because that’s what you could have heard on our WhatsApp group as we contemplated a life without inheritance. 

So how are we going to get him out of the clutches of Golfers Against Jabs?

– Jenni, Douglas Road

My friend has a service to turn these things around, it’s called Mammy’s Gone Nuts — Now What? I said, what would you recommend in this case? She said, Jenni needs to sign up for our top of the range option, The 2-Step Parent Fixer, a snip at 15 grand. I said how does it work? She said, Step 1: We lure your Dad to our offices. Step 2: We take his phone. #Genius.

C’mere, what’s the story with lobbing the gob on Zoom? Myself and the Old Doll give each other a scoring pass for our respective Christmas parties, you can do the biz with whoever you like at work, one night only, no questions asked. 

There’s no in-person Christmas party this year because of the auld Omicron, but our gomie managers have decided that we should have a Zoom party next week instead. 

That’s a joke like, because the only reason most of us go to a Christmas party is to drink 10 Jaeger bombs and get off with someone from Marketing that we spoke to that one time in the lift. 

This Zoom thing is going to be about as exciting as a walking tour of Wilton Shopping Centre. So like I was wondering, is there a Virtual Reality headset we could all wear to this event, where we could simulate drinking 10 Jaeger bombs and then do the biz with each other?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My nephew is all about the latest gadgets. I said, are those virtual reality headsets as good as having sex. He said, I couldn’t tell you. I said, because you’ve never tried one? He said no, I’ve never tried sex. #25YearsOld

Now listen up Paddy, I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment, where we played party games and passed the following motion — This definitely wasn’t a party, and even if it was it’s none of your business, you snivelling oiks. 

Count Von HornyTrousers (our code name for Boris) got very excited after Fizz-Buzz, which is NOT a party game, stood up on the table and called on us to come up with a list of people to blame if news of our non-party got out, while the rest of the country was in lockdown in their tiny, worthless houses. 

I broke off from playing Pass the Parcel to suggest that we blame the Irish, they have a shifty look about them and people are sick of us blaming everything on the French. So, would it be ok if Count Von HornyTrousers told everyone that you Paddys organised this party which wasn’t a party?

- Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, Wiltshire and embarrassingly large tracts of Kildare.

Blame away. They say Catholic guilt is a thing of the past in Ireland — until mid December comes around and we’re so addled by Booze Fear that we’re liable to confess to anything just to make it stop.

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