Ask Audrey: Using sexual favours to get one over on your neighbours is never a good look

- unless you live in Kinsale, says the Examiner's agony aunt

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s getting ‘I saw him first’ on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Spent More Than You on Halloween Decorations. 

Fifi_WhitePrius said she’s going to book this guy Scary O’Leary to spookify her garden and house this weekend, word on the Douglas Road is that he’s the Banksy of Halloween installations. Didn’t Cliona_BigGreenEggBarbecue book him there and then and tied him into an exclusive deal with an extra five grand, sure we’d earn that in a day, her words not mine in case the Revenue are snooping in on this. Shona_OwnATesla said five grand, five schmand Cliona, I’ve nicked him from under your nose with a month in our Greek villa, no moaning now, all’s fair in love and Halloween installations. 

Cliona was straight back with ‘eat my dirt bee-atch’ after she sorted out Scary’s eldest for a place in Scoil Mhuire, the bit of pull as she put it, and they all kept bidding until Fifi admitted she couldn’t top a lifetime membership of Sunday’s Well Tennis Club and an all-expenses-paid weekend in Dublin. (Dublin is totes robbery.) 

Anyway, Audrey, I can’t help thinking I’m failing my two kids if I don’t pile in last moment with an indecent proposal for Scary O’Leary, I’m looking incredible at the moment after all the Crossfit. What do you reckon? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road

I’d say stall the ball on that one. Using sexual favours to get one over on your neighbours is never a good look, unless you live in Kinsale.

Well horse, it’s Bernard here from Dundalk, aka the town, living amongst yis now in Cork for six months and still coming to terms with the way yis put now-lah at the end of a sentence. Jeez me knees, but yis talk wild funny down here so yis do. 

I’ve started seeing this one from Bandon so I have and she finishes all her sentences with ‘do ya know that kind of a way’ and if I don’t say ‘yes I do know, Gwendoleen’, that’s her name, she’s 100 per cent in a sulk and it’s no hanky panky for the Bernard. So like, is there a case to be made here for me saying, look Gwendoleen, I do indeed know that kind of a way, so there’s no need to ask? 

- Bernard, Dundalk and Dillons Cross, go on the town!

If you miss the town that much, why don’t you go back there? There’s nothing worse than someone moving somewhere and then banging on about their home town to anyone who’ll listen, unless of course, they’re a Cork person living in Dublin, do you know that kind of a way?

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

My mother might be 91 but by Jesus she can still make me as cross as the Scartaglin man who was informed by local Gardaí that he would be sent to jail if he didn’t take a bath. Didn’t she call me on the telephone Tuesday night and tell me that herself and her new boyfriend are moving to China no less, because there is no respect for old people in Ireland anymore. I said, were you and the toyboy (he’s 84) necking Merlot all day or what and she said no, I’m fierce cross with the government for only giving us a fiver a week, after all we’ve done for this country. 

I said, what have you ever done for this country except vote 8 times for Jedward in the Eurovision using some dodgy Spanish phone you bought inside in Kanturk? Well, didn’t she rear up at me and say that I can go whistle if I think I’ll get one inch of the farm when she goes to her eternal reward. I’ve been banking on that money for an upgrade to the boobs – any idea how I can get back into the good books with the old bag? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

The Posh Cousin has a podcast on this, it’s called Please Don’t Ring your Solicitor. I rang her there and said, what’s the best way to stay onside with your parents. She said, call around to them on a regular basis. I said, what’s the second-best way - if I call over she’ll only ask me to cut the grass. #Lazy

Hey, it’s Ken here from Douglas Road Doctors with American Accents. I’m in a cycling club at the weekend exclusively for doctors with super-smooth accents because no one wants to be spending their Saturday listening to some bus driver guy talking about his mobile home in Garryvoe. Technically anyone can join, #Equality #AllTogether, but to get in you have to pronounce Twitter as Twidder, say ‘out of Cork’ instead of ‘from Cork’, and use the word monetise once every thirty seconds. 

Anyhoo (not anyhow, anyhoo), I was dating this hot nurse from Passage West but that hit the buffers because her mother, The Mam, kept sending me packets of Bourbon Creams to fatten me up. I’m looking to get back in the game with a lady who doesn’t want me to meet her Mam, won’t interfere with my weekend cycling plans and isn’t jealous of the fact that I’m earning well north of 150 thousand bucks. Can you find me such a lady? 

- Dr Ken, Douglas Road

I might have just the woman for you. Me! Let me know exactly how much north of 150 grand you make and I’ll fire over a contract.