Alison Curtis: We don't always have to be available to our kids

As our children grow, it is a tough lesson to learn that their parents aren’t always going to be focusing on them - we aren’t always going to be available and that is okay

'It's ok not to give the kids your undivided attention all the time.'

I have been thinking a lot about how available I am to my daughter, Joan. I mean my attention. Emotionally and with my time, I am always available. That is my role as her mother. That is what I signed up for when we started a family.

But her needs change as her abilities grow, so I am thinking about what it means to be available to her as she gets older and if being too ‘on call’ is good for her.

A perfect example is in the car: when I am driving, she will be talking and asking me what I think, but I might miss what she is asking, because I’m concentrating on getting around a massive truck on a narrow road. Or, she often expects me to look at something on the phone or outside.

It is this assumption that I am constantly focused on everything she is about to do and say that isn’t good for either of us. I have lost track of the number of times I have told her that I can’t look at what she is doing when I’m driving a ton of steel down a motorway.

There are dozens of other times, at home or when we are out, that I am mid-task or mid-conversation and she either interrupts or expects action from me immediately.

I don’t mean that she is ever forceful, rude, or mean-spirited. It is just that she is devoid of understanding that I am not always 100% available.

I see it with other children. At school, another parent and I will be mid-conversation and children interrupt or cut across. I know it isn’t the worst thing in the world, but it does signal to us that they don’t have an appreciation that other things going on around them are equally important.

But children need this understanding to grow into considerate adults. They need to learn that if their parent or carer isn’t always available that it doesn’t mean that they love them any less, or that they aren’t going to be there for them again. It is just in ‘this moment’ we can’t focus on them.

I want Joan to cope without my constant attention, plus I want her to understand that I don’t exist solely to meet her needs. That other people need me too and I need other people. That I want to spend time with, and talk to, others and I don’t want her to interrupt. 

Or maybe if I am really honest, I don’t give a flying turtle about what she is saying! I won’t hurt her feelings with this truth, but I have let her know that it doesn’t interest me and that is OK. I am going to like, and be drawn to, things that are different to the things she likes.

We have had dozens of conversations about how it is OK if I don’t watch what she is watching, or that if I don’t want to play ‘Fishdom’ for the millionth time, she can keep playing it without me.

I want Joan to cope without my eye having to be on her all the time. I want to encourage her to be content doing her own things without me being available to do them with her.

I know this is an added challenged for solo children at home and that siblings often fill this role in other households.

But Joan needs to learn to do this and, in fairness to her in the past 18 months, she has become a lot better at it: At heading into the office to make her own fidgets for a few hours, or making slime without me paying attention to her every move.

As our children grow, it is a tough lesson to learn that their parents aren’t always going to be focusing on them.

We are always going to be there for them, but we aren’t always going to be available and that is OK.