Bernard O'Shea: the birds and the bees of the GAA

As thousands of school kids are dropped off at Cúl Camps to kick and puck points at GAA pitches all around the country its time to explain the Birds and The Bees of The GAA to my kids.

Trying to explain the rules of anything to kids can be tricky. Photograph Moya Nolan

Our eldest who is seven has just finished her first summer outing in a Cúl Camp. She is mostly into dancing and singing and was slightly confused before she went for the first time.

“Is it the game with the iron sticks that you play on ice?” she asked her mother. We later deduced she had mixed up golf and ice hockey. (A game that I would love to see.) On her return home she was instantly infatuated with all things GAA.

Like a zealous missionary she went about getting (forcing) her two younger brothers to join in her newly found obsession in the back yard.

However, as they all learned about this new sport some tough and, at times awkward, questions came my way thick and fast.

Why don’t you support Dublin Daddy?

This was followed by, “you live in Dublin Daddy so why don’t you support them?” This is a difficult question because she has a very valid point. I have lived in Dublin for over 20 years. I have worked here, met my wife here and we have built our lives here. Surely, I should support Dublin. So I told her, “I’m from Laois Olivia, I grew up in Laois and I’ll always support them, it where’s I’m from.” Then the first kicker came, “but you support eh, The Nottinghams (Nottingham Forest) and Mammy says that’s in different country.”

 I tried to explain to her about the difference between professional sport and amateur sport. That people from the village or town where you grew up start playing in their local club and they go onto represent your county. She wasn’t having it, “but you don’t play GAA but you do live in Dublin?” I tried “but I’m from Laois” again. “No you’re not. You’re from here. You used to get the train from here and we tell other people we are from here.” Then I whipped out the big guns. “Where is Princess Elsa from?” 

She looked at me like a goose looking into a bucket, “eh she’s from Arendelle.” Now I had a secure platform for my argument, so I went for the juggler. “Ok so say if Elsa left Arendelle and lived in Dublin and Arendelle were playing Dublin who do you think she would support?” She paused and looked up at our 80’s artic celling pondering every little plastered dimple. Either that or she was throwing her eyes to heaven. “Firstly, I don’t really watch that movie anymore, but she would support Arendelle and do you know why mister? Because she was the Queen of Arendelle, you are not the Queen of Laois.” After a well-earned tangle twister on the trampoline, I promised to support Dublin in every game except when they played Laois.

Dad why do they call it camogie?

This was one of those rare times when I didn’t have an answer. It was also during one of our hybrid hurling/tennis matches. “Dad, when girls play tennis is it called something else too?” “No,” I replied. “So why is hurling called camogie?” This was one for google and the answer came courtesy of life’s online know-it-all Wikipedia:

“The name was invented by Tadhg Ua Donnchadha (Tórna) at meetings in 1903 in advance of the first matches in 1904. Men play hurling using a curved stick called a camán in Irish. Women in the early camogie games used a shorter stick described by the diminutive form camóg.” Instead of repeating this verbatim I told her it was to do with the name of the stick but by the time I had looked it up she has lost all interest in the answer.

I also had to explain some expressions she heard me use around the house like “last of the choc-ices”, “take your points your goals will come”, and my personal favourite “let her know you're there”.

Was he very good Daddy?

Then a poignant observation wrapped up in a question came my way while driving down the country last weekend. I had the radio on, and they were talking about the retirement of Joe Canning.

Normally Olivia would scream “NO,” but instead she said, “are they talking about hurling Daddy?” She listened intently and when the show went to a break she asked me, “so has this guy Joe stopped playing hurling?” I told her no, that he has just retired from playing for his county.

“Was he very good Daddy?” “He was the best hurler I’ve ever seen. You know Croke Park the massive place we see on the way in on the train?” “Yeah.” “I saw him score one of best goals of all time there.” (The 2015 Leinster Final. Someday I’m going to have to explain to her why Galway Hurl in Leinster, that should be fun.) She was quiet for a little while and when the program came back they started talking about soccer and she bellowed, “THIS IS BORING DAD put on some music.” As we sat in traffic on the M50 she had an eureka moment of inspiration. I could see was bubbling over with excitement and could barely hold in her idea.

“Dad you should get the Joe guy to play for Laois!” Now there is something that I’m just not explaining.