Jamie O'Connell: 'I'm scared of the part of myself that thinks I'm not good enough'

'I think my childhood, growing up gay in a deeply conservative Christian environment in north Cork, left me with a feeling of not being good enough'

'The greatest advice I've been given is to live for now and not for when.'

I was reared in Ballyhooly in north Cork but I spent a number of years in the UK so the accent is a bit of a mixed bag. I'm living in Kenmare now with my partner John. I came down with a small suitcase for four days when Covid hit last March and I just haven’t left. John is the person I turn to most. He thinks I'm brilliant even on my worst day and he has a huge capacity to love. Despite the Cork and Kerry rivalry. Cork is my hometown and it always will be.

My earliest memory is being about three years old and listening to 101 Dalmations on those red cassette tapes in the 1980s and reading the little accompanying book. As a child, I loved to be creative. When I was 11 I heard an interview with Maeve Binchy on the television and something clicked in my head. We got a computer in my family home and I just started writing on it every day and 25 years later I haven't stopped. Edna O'Brien was asked once what she would be if she wasn't a writer and she said she'd be in a mad house and I feel like that. There have been times in my life where I haven't been able to write because of work commitments or travel and I've felt almost a heaviness in my spirit. There's just that creative itch that keeps pulling me back.

I think my childhood, growing up gay in a deeply conservative Christian environment, left me with a feeling of not being good enough. It's something I think comes into the characters in my fiction. You'll quite often see little neurotic foibles in my writing and it all comes back to that. When I look at all areas in my life — the desire to be published, pushing myself, and always working myself to exhaustion — it comes back to that desire to prove that I'm enough. It's been my biggest journey and my biggest lesson and I'm still learning it. I think it will be one that I'll be learning for a long time.

I'm scared of that part of myself. My mind is like a jukebox full of CDs. There are happy CDs and one of the CDs is the ‘not good enough’ CD. The wrong thing can happen and I feel the CD come out of the slot. Anything can trigger it, someone not liking my book or saying something online, and you can never get rid of that CD. It sits in the file dormant and if you push the wrong button it will play. But you just have to let the song play out.

My proudest achievement is pursuing what I loved even though it was a risky path. There were other things I could have done that would have been safer but I picked the path of writing and I'm so glad I did. It's a harder road because it's less certain than other careers but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I try not to let failure get to me. I just get back up and start again. I think the path of a writer is 19 rejections and one yes. The key to success is to keep getting back up and every time you do, be smart about it. Learn what made you fail and adapt and try again with that new knowledge. Gradually, if you follow the stepping stones, one day you'll get a yes. The lesson I would pass on to others is to give yourself the space to feel if you face rejection, but then stand up. Take a deep breath and try again. It's 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration.

The greatest advice I've been given is to live for now and not for when. Even in school, we say "when I finish my Junior Cert" or "when I finish my Leaving Cert" or "when I finish college my life will start". Live your life today. Of course, work towards goals but you're here now.

Resilience is the thing I'm best at. I'm also okay with being wrong, which has definitely helped with my writing. When I was younger I had so much energy and enthusiasm but I didn't really understand craft and discipline or form. I really benefited from doing an MA in creative writing and having an expert tell me how to improve. If you can be wrong, you have something that you can fix.

If I had a second life I'd love to study psychology. I want to understand human nature. Even when I wrote this novel, I started with the characters and wanted to know why they operate the way they do. So much has gone into it. I think I had 15 drafts of variations. When I walked down Grafton Street recently and saw it on the window in Dubray's it was so surreal. I had to pause and pinch myself. I just felt so grateful.

I'd like to be remembered as a good guy. That's enough. And that I wrote a few good books.

• Diving For Pearls by Jamie O'Connell is out now.