Ask Audrey: Amn’t I 20 pages into my debut erotic novel, 50 Shades of Scartaglin

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here from Ballydesmond. I mightn’t have mentioned this to you before, but I’m actually an accountant. Don’t mind all the things you hear about accountants being deadly boring, we’re actually much worse than that. As jobs go, it’s about as exciting as a shopping trip to Millstreet and between yourself and myself, I spent most my days in front of the computer screen having filthy thoughts, when I should be helping small businesses in north Cork to hide money from the taxman. (Or woman for that matter, #equality.) I have a friend, she’s very liberal-minded, the priest calls her Dirty Diana, didn’t I tell her that I would love to change career to something that interests me and didn’t she suggest that I try writing erotic fiction about the local area. Anyway amn’t I 20 pages into my debut erotic novel, 50 Shades of Scartaglin. All I need now is a pen-name because I don’t want that lúdramán of a priest bad-mouthing me about the parish. What would be a good name, tell me?
- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

Don’t talk to be about bad-mouthing clerics. I had a fling with a bishop once, he didn’t have a clue how to kiss, with tongues like. I said to him, come here, I’ll give you some lessons, but there’s no such thing as a free lunch – what would you give me for an hour of snogging? He said, three Hail Marys And a Glory be to God. #ItsASin

Hello, old stock. I’m writing to you on behalf of the Beautifully Spoken Millionaires on the Blackrock Road. Obviously, we’ve all had the vaccine at this stage, given our important front-line role maintaining standards in Cork society. Mind you, it didn’t hurt that we all went to either Pres or Clongowes, and our chairman, Duckie Prendergast, his cousin has a corner office in the HSE, he’s actually done very well for himself, considering he only went to Spioraid Naoimh. Anyway look, it’s a joke that we have to put up with the 5km limit now that we’re vaccinated. I appreciate that you need to keep northsiders and bogmen in check over Easter – harsh as it might be to say, they are a pack of unruly savages and I’d say not one of them speaks Latin. This is certainly not the case for Beautifully Spoken Millionaires like ourselves and I can see no reason why we shouldn’t be able to drive down to our Bond-villain mansions in Crookhaven, without some farmer’s son in a Garda outfit stopping us outside Ballincollig so he can paw our Range Rovers. Can you get a message to the government there and set us free?
- Reggie, Blackrock Road.

I’d love to. I think everyone in Cork City would be delighted to help Blackrock Road millionaires get to West Cork this weekend – particularly if ye promise to stay there until July. #PlaceToOurselves

It’s getting bored on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Don’t Need Sunglasses in our Profile Photos to Make Us Look Super Hot. Fifi_LookAtMeI’mModest said she is TODALLY running out of things to post on Instagram, particularly after she cut her kids’ hair and they look like something from the 1980s, or modern-day Tipperary. Cliona_ElectricCarBee-atches got one of the top stylists in Cork to style her kids, on the sly like, and isn’t said stylist blackmailing her now, possibly because Cliona said her 2019 BMW was a bit Glasheen Road. I was going to post a photo of my smallies with their mad hair and caption it “Norries!!”, until my Ken put his foot down and said that’s a horrible thing to say, about your own kids. (He’s after getting fierce ethical since watching Prince William on the TV, he even wants us to start our own podcast called ‘Norries Are People Too’). This could put the total kibosh on my career as a Hot Douglas Road Mom Influencer - are we looking at grounds for divorce?
- Jenni, Douglas Road.

Totally. There is no way that a man should be allowed to control what you post on social media. My Conor nearly had a conniption when I started posting Instagram stories about our rampant love life. I said, do you want me to stop? He said, no I want you to start, we haven’t had any action in four months. #PandemicSexLies

C’mere, what’s the story with wearing tights all the time. I bought a bike there two months ago because the old doll said she was going on a nooky strike if I didn’t lose 18 kilos in 50 days. (She do be very precise about these things.) Anyway, I’m hardly off the thing these days (the bike, like) because there’s nothing like the endorphin rush when you spend four hours a day away from your wife and small boy. (He’d a be talking about Minecraft all the time.) The thing is I got a pair of them Lycra man-tights for cycling and they feel amazing, particularly around my meat and two veg. So, like, will people call me a Langer if I wear cycling tights all the time?
- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I’ll answer that with a limerick. There was a young man from Blackpool, I hope you don’t think I’m too cruel, he likes wearing tights, but I have my rights, not to be forced to look at his tool.

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Ask Audrey: Can I drive up to Newry and say lash a bit of vaccine into me arm, there, lah?