Ask Audrey: 'Is that Cork city slang for some class of filthy shenanigans?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages.
Ask Audrey: 'Is that Cork city slang for some class of filthy shenanigans?'

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It’s getting frisky on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Wait to See How Pissed We Get on Hot Port. 

Laura_WhiteRangeRover said her husband Peter bought her a new chin in return for no more public displays of affection (#PeteIsOldSkool), and she can’t wait to parade it around town on Saturday with a hot port in her hand. 

FiFi_WouldntSayItToYourFace says she is planning to get so smashed on take-away hot ports that she won't mind if Emer Cronin-Buckley sees her in the queue for Penneys and shares it with everyone in the hockey club. 

I’m very excited about our #GirlsHotPortCrawl myself but I’m minding the kids Sunday morning because my husband will die if he doesn’t go cycling. So here’s the question - can you get a hangover from hot ports? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road

I was sharing Hot Port war stories with my Posh Cousin. She said, oh God, I woke up with the worst thing in the world. I said, a hangover? She said, no, a guy from Kenmare . #Morto

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Bad cess to Level 5, I hope we never see the likes of you again is all I have to say. 

It was no joke driving up to see my lover in Bishopstown with a giant pot of soup on the passenger seat for my elderly aunt in a convent in Douglas, mar dhea, in case I got stopped by the Guards. 

It would take three hours of solid scrubbing to get rid of the smell of carrots from the carpet in my car when I’d arrive back in Ballydesmond the following day, and the exhaustion of all the saints on me after the bedroom antics with your man. 

Anyway, he invited me up to Cork again this weekend and didn’t he say he’d like to take me up the big wheel. Sorry now, but is that Cork city slang for some class of filthy shenanigans, tell me? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

You can stop worrying. He’s talking about the Ferris Wheel on the Grand Parade, it’s popular with families and bored Ballinlough housewives who fantasise about hot love with an Italian guy while looking down on the City Library. #Christmas2019 #Another One OffTheBucketList

Hello it’s Paul here from Sunday’s Well Residents Against Anything that Might Change Our Place in the Pecking Order. 

It pains me to even write the words down on paper, but my son is in C.I.T. We tried everything we knew to get him to choose U.C.C. but no dice, he had his mind made up, so you can only imagine the heartache watching him going out to Bishopstown every morning, that land of semi-detached mediocrity and second rate tennis clubs. (Not to mention Highfield RFC.

I thought nothing could make this worse, but didn’t I open my Examiner today and learn that the college out there has been merged with some jumped up tech in Tralee. My wife is beside herself with the sobbing – can you offer us any hope? 

- Paul, Sunday’s Well.

M y neighbour is an academic, we call him Out of Office. I rang him there and said what can you expect from a 3 rd level institution in Kerry. He said, the main difference is that multiple choice questions have three-answer options – 1: Yes. 2: No 3: Yerra, Yes and No.

Guten Tag. What is the deal with your 12 pubs of Christmas? Don’t be fooled by my zany persona and hatred of authority – I am in fact a database administrator with a large multi-national in Cork. 

The Sports and Social committee at work is very active – they take money from our pay packet every month and use it to try and turn us all into alcoholics, sometimes with spectacular results. 

This year, they organised a virtual 12 pubs tour over Zoom. It works like this – they show a photo of a pub, we drink two shots, they show a photo of a different pub, we drink another two shots and so on, until I start to wonder if there is any meaning to life. Why are you Irish so addicted to the number 12? 

- Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

My cousin is writing a book on why Irish people drink so much during winter, it’s called Jesus Lads, it’s Fierce Dark . I said, who decided it should be 12 pubs instead of say, 8? She said, if I’d to guess, I’d say the publicans.

H ow’re oo’ goin’ on? There’s fierce pulling and dragging over who should have my mother over for Christmas day. My brother, the b**lix, is insisting it’s his turn and there can’t be any other guests there, except probably her solicitor because she’s 93 and sitting on 137 acres, if you follow me. 

I said no man is going to stop me from seeing my mother and her solicitor on Christmas Day, particularly if she says yes to the secon d drink and someone mentions changing the will. Is there anything to be said for kidnapping her, tell me? 

- Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway.

I love the old Irish saying - where there’s a will, there’s a bogman asking Mammy if she’d like another gin and tonic. I’m not suggesting 137 acres of farmland in West Cork isn’t great, but do you really want to risk prison for 43.50?

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