Ask Audrey: I’m a shoo-in to front the Real Housewives of Douglas Road

Fri, 11 Sep, 2020 - 06:00

Audrey the Agony Aunt

Hello, old stock. I had a lot of spare time on my hands last month because the office was closed so I couldn’t go in and practice my harmless flirting with our stunning intern from Bilbao. (Well, hola to you!!) Anyway myself and Hoggy decided to put together a pilot for a TV show — it’s called Posh Eye for the Norrie Guy.

It’s where myself, Hoggy and Duckie Prendergast go up to the northside and fix a Norrie. We teach him how to say ‘is’ instead of ‘do be’ and ask for ‘ketchup’ instead of ‘red sauce’, that sort of thing. The problem is our pilot video went viral online and we’ve been labelled as ‘a pack of elitist homophobic dinosaurs ’. Duckie thought that was a compliment, but I reckon it’s a slur. Do you think I should sue?

- Reggie, Blackrock Road

My friend just qualified as a solicitor, it really suits her, you’d be amazed how much weight you’d lose chasing an ambulance . I told her what the people said online about you . She said, that’s a clear slander. I said, 'On Reggie?' She said, no, the dinosaurs!

It’s getting ambitious on our WhatsApp group, 'Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Believe They Don’t Have Their Own Reality Show'. Fifi_CheekBonesToDie4 announced that Keeping Up with the Kardashians is coming to an end and Hollywood executives were spotted in Cork Airport last night, scouting for a replacement show.

Ellie_ TodallySpeaksAmerican said I couldn’t give two shites if the executives quarantine, I’d catch the bubonic plague if I thought it would get a television crew in my kitchen. I myself got an amazing boob job as a payoff after I caught my Ken with the au pair, so I reckon I’m a shoo-in to front the Real Housewives of Douglas Road. Can you get a message to the Hollywood moguls and tell them to give me a shout?

- Jenni, Douglas Road, did I mention I’m from the Douglas Road?

My neighbour Jean just rang there to say we got the green light from the Hollywood executives for Total Bitches of Ballinlough. I said, what do they want us to do? She said, gin before lunch, sleep with each other’s husbands and make nas ty comments about people from the Skehard Road. I said, what a relief , I thought they’d want us to be false. #TruthieRuthie

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment where Dominic Cummings lined us up against the wall and shot every second one of us. It was rather like being back at school actually.

Bunty Horse-Face D’Mistress-Whipper – you probably know him as Boris – announced our new Brexit strategy is to ignore the EU in the hope they will go away. Spiffy von Cromwell said, ‘just like you do with your spare children, Bunty’ which got a good laugh until Dominic turned around and shot him as well. That’s democracy for you.

Anyway, Dominic has asked me to get a back-channel message to your chap Coveney. It says, now listen up Coveney, I’ve just heard you’re from Cork, how come you don’t sound like Roy Keane?

- Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, London and half of bloody Africa.

I’m not allowed within 500 metres of Simon, it’s complicated. ( FYI, a metre is a measurement used by people who aren’t stuck in the 18 th century.) Anyway, I’ll answer the question on his behalf. Tell Dominic, you don’t sound like someone just because you live near them. For example, he doesn’t sound like a sewer rat. Or does he?

I’m from one of the top families in Mallow, measured by the number of times I’ve paraded into the local Garda station and told the Sergeant where he can shove his latest parking ticket if he knows what’s good for him.

Anyway, we had a garden party here for the great and good of the town last night, it didn’t break any Covid-19 rules because it’s not like we’re over-run with rich or interesting people here in Mallow. I glided onto the second bottle of Pinot Grigio and sang that new song, 'Watermelon Sugar' by the one and only Harry Styles.

My daughter just told me that the video of me doing it is trending because the song is actually about a certain sex act that my Maurice refuses to perform on me in case they get word of it in the golf club. Do you know if this is true?

- Kathleen, Mallow, huge house on the left coming in from Killarney, you can’t miss it.

I rang the Irish Centre for the Study of Sexual Pleasure, it’s in Kinsale. (Quelle surprise.) This guy answered the phone, I said, what’s your position on 'Watermelon Sugar'? He said, missionary.

How yiz? I see the Bishop of Buzzkill, Micheál Martin is planning to keep the people of Dublin locked up in their houses, wha? Y iz dirty Corkies, it didn’t take yiz long to exact revenge on us for years of mocking yizzers dozy accent, wha ? Me and the missus are moving to Cork temporarily because the Taoiseach will hardly lock up his own. Where should we live, wha?

- Rasher, Ringsend.

My cousin is an expert in alien invasions. I said, where would you advise Dublin people to live in Cork? She said, Mizen Head. I said why? She said, because I live in Youghal. #Unclean #Distance

Great news!