Joanna Fortune: My teen daughter wears high heels and makeup. Why does she try so hard? 

Because this is not a shared interest for you, be careful you are not projecting your opinions about women who dress up or wear makeup onto her. She sounds like a happy, healthy, typically developing teenager

Teenagers usually go through a phase in their development in which they focus on fashion, music, interests, or friends, that establish themselves as 'other' than their parents. Picture: iStock 

My 16-year-old daughter is very sociable and loves nothing more than getting dressed up and going out on the town with her friends. It’s great to see her so happy, but I worry when I see her heading out the door in six-inch heels, micro minis, and low-cut tops. She also wears a lot of makeup. I don’t know why she has to try so hard. She certainly didn’t pick it up from me — I’ve never been into fashion or beauty.

I wonder why you are conflating your daughter’s interest in fashion and makeup with “trying so hard”?

Because this is not a shared interest for you, be careful you are not projecting your opinions about women who dress up or wear makeup onto her. Many of us are susceptible to such projections.

You describe her as social, saying she loves to play with fashion and makeup and hang out with her friends. She sounds like a happy, healthy, typically developing teenager.

Teenagers usually go through a phase in their development in which they focus on fashion, music, interests, or friends, that establish themselves as “other” than their parents. It is part of their developmental journey towards independence that they pull away from us for a while.

However, I would like to highlight the importance of developing shared interests with our children, especially our teenagers. I don’t mean to imply that you now need to get into fashion and makeup, but moreover, that you become interested in what clearly interests her, because this teaches her that she is interesting.

Interesting to you first and foremost, but also an interesting person in the world.

We can be consciously interested in what is capturing our teenagers’ attention, without judging or disparaging their interests. Simply put, if your teenager watches Love Island every night, but you don’t like it and what it stands for, take a breath, join them on the sofa, throw a blanket over both your laps, and bring a snack like jellies or popcorn to watch the programme with them. 

You don’t have to talk about it to practise being in the present moment with them. Have fun, follow their lead, listen to how they speak about it and join in without making fun or demeaning the things they like right now.

The same applies to you and your fashion-focused daughter.

Compliment her, not so much on how she looks, but on how she knows how to put an outfit together really well. That she has a great eye for colour, fabric texture, etc. That she is really good at makeup, perhaps even better than you are. 

You could ask for her advice on selecting an outfit for an event or if she would do your makeup just for fun.

Valuing her knowledge and skills teaches her she is valuable. Strengthening and enhancing her sense of self-worth is a good way to ensure she doesn’t resort to what you fear is “trying so hard”. It is also a good way to spend time together. Those opportunities can be rare with our teenagers, so be sure to grab them when and where you can.

Your daughter sounds like she is enjoying her active, busy, and connected life. You have clearly done a good job in parenting her, and you can be happy she is so happy. Don’t forget to have fun with her, too.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, send it to [e-mail].