Joanna Fortune: My toddler gets upset when I breastfeed the baby

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My third child was born six weeks ago. We’re exhausted but elated to have a healthy baby. My issue is with our two-year-old middle child. He gets upset nearly every time I breastfeed the baby, saying he wants me to play with him or he tries to climb into my lap. I’ve tried to explain that the baby needs to be fed first before I give him attention, but it makes no difference. I know he’s struggling to adjust, and in time, he’ll probably accept the new arrival, but is there anything I can do in the meantime to help him?

This stage with a newborn is so all-consuming and intense that it often leaves us with little emotional bandwidth for anything else. In this state of overwhelm and exhaustion, trying to reason with a toddler (a difficult task at the best of times) becomes near impossible.

Keep in mind that you cannot “explain” what the newborn needs to a demanding, egocentric two-year-old because they are too young to understand it. He sees that this little baby has arrived, usurped his previously enjoyed position, and now he must fight and compete to get his needs met.

It is early days, and this truly will get easier, but right now he is testing the limits you are setting and seeking reassurance that he is still yours and, moreover, that you are still his.

Young children thrive on a calm, clear, consistent routine. They also like to feel involved and important in whatever is happening around them. They want to have special, focused time with us, their parents.

Here are some strategies that will support him during this period of adjustment, but you will also need support from your partner and your extended friend and family network:

• Spend 15 minutes of unbroken time with him one-to-one each day — of course, you will need to time this around his and the baby’s naps, or perhaps have your partner take the baby to another room or out for a walk so that you can give him your undivided attention. Make this special ring-fenced time a daily practice.
• Make him a helper by assigning him a little task to help with the baby. This will allow him to see the baby as someone exciting, ease into his role as the older brother, and feel like he is doing something with you. At his very young age, he can be in charge of holding the wipes or the Sudocrem for you. He can carry the bagged nappy to the bin. He can hold the baby’s hand while you feed or change the baby.
• Keeping his meal and nap times consistent, ensuring he gets his story and playtime and time outdoors each day, will help him to feel like he hasn’t lost out with the arrival of this new sibling. A family member could also take him to the park for you.
• Ask your friends and family to ensure they greet him first when they come to visit. Suggest that they spend a few minutes reading him a story-book, singing a song, or playing a game with him. Request that they avoid declaring him “the big brother”. This language can trigger behavioural regression as they resist the title.

There is no ideal way to navigate this transition — remember that good enough really is good enough. Beyond this, it takes time to adjust to such an immense life change. He is still a little more than a baby himself, so take it slowly and be as patient as you can with him.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]