Joanna Fortune: My young son hates going to school — what if it escalates to refusal?

Your son needs to reconnect with the joy of learning and the fun side of school. Picture: iStock

My child is in fifth class and hates school, saying he hates being told what to do all day. I’ve tried every trick in the book to encourage him, but nothing seems to be working. The school is understanding, and his teacher is giving him extra attention. I’m worried his resistance could escalate to a flat-out refusal. What would you suggest?

Rather than encouraging him to like school, I suggest you focus on understanding why he does not. If you can get to what underpins his reluctance, hopefully, it does not escalate to avoidance.

I have worked with many children who present with school avoidance, and I have yet to meet one who simply doesn’t feel like going. What I hear is how painful and difficult it is for these children to physically get themselves into the school building and how emotionally draining it is for them to sustain their school day. 

It’s rarely (if ever) that they don’t want to go, and almost always that they cannot go. The key to resolving the resistance is understanding what is causing it and taking a collaborative response with the school. It is not something a parent can resolve alone.

I am curious as to when this reluctance started for your son? Has he been happy to go to school before? What might have changed for him this year (does he connect with his teacher and peers)? 

I am also curious whether his dislike of being told what to do is limited solely to the school setting, or whether you experience this from him at home or outside when he attends sports or other activities?

How is he doing in school? I would be interested to hear what his teacher observes, whether the classwork is either too hard (and he is reluctant to go because it is stressful for him and he is struggling) or too easy for him (so his reluctance would stem from under-stimulation and boredom). See what his teacher thinks about his behaviour in the classroom and make adjustments accordingly.

He may also benefit from movement breaks during his school day. Such a break affords a child a change of scenery, which in itself can be very effective for resetting an overwrought brain. 

Also, physical movement can be useful for boosting children’s capacity to engage and therefore learn, as well as for improving behaviour, because they no longer need to resort to behaviour to mask their emotional struggles.

As he is currently attending school, the objective is to sustain his attendance and gradually strengthen his capacity for engagement (and then prolonged engagement) while in school.

Your son needs to reconnect with the joy of learning and the fun side of school. Movement and play breaks during his day will help him, and if he can access the school’s resource team (whether he is struggling or bored), they can help stabilise his stimulation level, making it easier and more pleasurable for him to be there.

It is good to read that you have such an open and engaged school that is eager to work with you on this in your child’s best interests, which in itself is an immense resource for your child.

Alongside the above steps, I also suggest you consider referring him to a suitably qualified play therapist or child psychotherapist who can help him gain insight into what underpins his struggle. Hopefully, this will help resolve it.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]