Joanna Fortune: My teenage daughters barely said thanks for all their Christmas presents 

I was shocked by their lack of gratitude and said as much to them but they just shrugged their shoulders and sloped off. Have I spoiled my children for life?

Christmas is a hotbed of tensions. We invite our children to write a list of things they want, and we then ensure Santa can fulfil all (or as many as possible) of those wants. They grow up with this experience and develop the expectation they can issue a request and be entitled to have it met. Picture: iStock 

My two teenage daughters couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas, with lots of gifts from Santa and relatives. They just about said thanks and barely cracked a smile. I know it’s probably a phase but I was shocked by their lack of gratitude. I’ve said as much to them but they just shrugged their shoulders and sloped off. Have I spoiled my children for life?

It’s critical we teach our children how to feel and express gratitude because it helps counter entitlement, fosters appreciation, and places value on the gift-giver’s efforts. Our children learn by seeing us, and then mirror our behaviours and actions. Modelling gratitude is far more effective than demanding it.

Your girls are teenagers and, while they are still learning through you, they are also developmentally wired to pull away and to behave “other” than you.

Today’s teenagers often develop a sense of entitlement. This belief can stem from always being handed what they want or need without understanding that money is earned through work and that the desired items are saved for. 

Have they had the opportunity to contribute as members of your family? Have they had to perform unpaid chores because being part of a family means everyone helps out? Have they ever tried to get a job (babysitting, mowing the lawn, cleaning, etc), and have you actively encouraged them to do so?

There are many ways to educate your teenagers through experience rather than talking at them, which they will probably tune out or, as you’ve seen, shrug and slope off.

Christmas is a hotbed of tensions. We invite our children to write a list of things they want, and we then ensure Santa can fulfil all (or as many as possible) of those wants. They grow up with this experience and develop the expectation they can issue a request and be entitled to have it met.

With younger children, I suggest posting a second letter to Santa to thank him for the gifts and to start next year’s letter by reiterating that gratitude before asking for something else. For older children (younger ones can do this too), I would buy a stack of cards and have them write and post thank-you notes to relatives who gave them gifts. 

Having them make the extra effort to write cards reinforces the importance of gratitude but a voice note or text message can suffice if you prefer that communication mode. Ensure it is more than one line so they can express gratitude specifically for the gift received.

There are many ways to revisit the topic of gratitude now that they are older. For example, you might agree to no more gift-giving from relatives and instead help plan a larger family experience or ask for a donation to charity in their names.

Adolescent entitlement is often the bugbear of parents who feel unappreciated. You will likely have put a lot of effort into creating a magical Christmas for your family. They may not show it now, but when they are looking back as adults, like the rest of us, they will come to realise and appreciate that the true magic of our broader Christmas experience was our parents.

Do something nice to treat yourself and model gratitude with a bit of self-appreciation.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]