Joanna Fortune: Our eldest child won't let her younger sisters out of her sight

Joanna Fortune: "When we bring our children to therapy, it can feel like we are on the outside of the process because we drop them off and collect them, but the therapist cannot tell us what is going on in the session (due to confidentiality)." Picture: iStock 

Our ten-year-old is the oldest of three girls. She is kind, sporty, and playful. However, she can’t let her younger sisters out of her sight. Even where we are at home, she has to know where they are in the house. We have tried play therapy, which she is still going to, but I’m not sure how much it’s helping. I love that she is so caring towards her sisters, but it’s just gone to an extreme. Can you suggest anything to help?

The letter you sent in is longer and more detailed than what we have printed here, and I am cognisant of the additional detail in how I answer this question.

Upon the arrival of a new baby, we tend to say things like, “What a great big sister you are”, or “You must help Mum and Dad take care of the baby” to young children. It can make them feel they now hold a new and immense responsibility.

Such comments are innocuous, of course, but words can land heavily on a young child who is still a very literal thinker.

Beyond this, it sounds as though your 10-year-old is showing some anxious tendencies that may extend beyond her role as big sister, though she is locating it in hyper-vigilance around her siblings. I wonder if you might describe her as a more sensitive-natured child in general? Is she cautious or hesitant around (developmentally appropriate) risk-taking activities?

Risk-taking activity enables children to experience mastery over a task and encourages them to stretch beyond what they think they can do so that they develop confidence.

Healthy risk-taking activities include team sports (because of the inherent chance of winning or losing, as well as the balance between collaborative play on the team with competitive play against other teams) and attending an activity outside their typical peer group (so that they have to meet new people and learn a new skill).

For your daughter, I would also suggest enrolling her in an activity that her sisters are not involved in, so she can start to experience a space where she can focus solely on herself.

Play therapy is a good idea. However, you also question if it is doing much good for her. When we bring our children to therapy, it can feel like we are on the outside of the process because we drop them off and collect them, but the therapist cannot tell us what is going on in the session (due to confidentiality). Yet, therapy with children should involve parents in other ways.

I imagine you had an initial intake meeting, and that the therapist has arranged to meet with you after six to eight sessions for a review, during which they will share some patterns and themes that are emerging, but not the specific details, while you share what you are observing. You could benefit from booking a review session to address some of your concerns about the therapy.

Your daughter sounds like a lovely, caring child. However, her anxious hyper-vigilance indicates that she is experiencing some difficulty in her emotional development, which can be worked with at home (one-to-one time with her, sensory play, breath-work to help relax her, etc) and in her play therapy.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]