Joanna Fortune: How do I help my little girl adjust to a new sibling?

"Being able to respond flexibly to your daughter rather than placing the expectation that she be the one to adapt will support her through any emotions she might have about the new arrival."

We have a gorgeous four-year-old daughter who is the centre of our universe. After a long, long struggle, we’re due a baby in four weeks. 

How can we help our little girl adapt to being a big sister? We have heard only negative things about jealousy and regression, and are really worried about the huge change we’re inflicting on our little girl when all we set out to do was make sure she had a sibling.

All you can do is stay in the present moment and adapt to however your little one reacts in the moment.

Being able to respond flexibly to your daughter rather than placing the expectation that she be the one to adapt will support her through any emotions she might have about the new arrival.

She’s four years old and (gradually) becoming more capable of cause-and-effect thinking. For example, “Mum has a baby in her tummy; soon that baby will be in the outside world, and I will meet them.”

She is also (gradually) developing critical thinking skills (“What does this new arrival mean to me”), her capacity for kindness (helping her baby sister), and solution-focused thinking (“If Mum or Dad is not available, who else can I ask to play with me or for a snack?”).

She is entering a stage of development where these skills are emerging and can be strengthened through experience from now on.

Your daughter is of an age where she can understand that a new baby is coming. Be very clear when talking with her. 

Explain that you will go to the hospital to have the baby, and when you are in the hospital, Granny (or whoever) will be in our home to take care of you.

Then you will come home with her new brother or sister, and they will live with you, in our home. I cannot emphasise enough the importance of spelling out that this baby is coming home to live with you all forever, because this is often a shocking realisation for children her age.

I suggest you prepare a play box for her while you are in hospital (include a teddy, a jigsaw or game, a book, some crayons, and paper). The book can be about getting a new sibling. 

She can use the crayons and paper to draw a picture or make a card for you or the baby. The teddy can be sprayed with your perfume so that its scent will remind her of you while you are away.

The jigsaw or game is simply a way for her to be distracted and occupied by the person caring for her in your absence.

Ensure that you activate your support network of family and friends. When someone offers to help, thank them and suggest they help by taking your four-year-old to the park for a play break.

Give her some responsibility around caring for the baby, such as asking her to hold the wipes while changing or bringing the bagged nappy to the bin.

Consider getting her a baby doll with some accessories so that she can mirror what you are doing with the baby on her own doll and tell her stories about when you did all of these things for her.

Encourage and praise her help, but avoid using too much “big sister” language; she is still only four years old, and is allowed to show some behavioural regression as she adjusts. She may not want to be the “big kid” all of the time.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to parentingexaminer.ie