Joanna Fortune: My children have been caught up in family row with grandparents

"I had a heated argument with my father recently over politics. He got in quite a huff and hasn't spoken to me since"

I had a heated argument with my father recently over politics. He got in quite a huff and hasn't spoken to me since.

My mum usually picks up my two children from school once a week, but says she won't do so until I apologise for my behaviour. I'm hurt that she has taken sides and is using childcare as a form of leverage.

The children also love their 'special afternoon' with granny and are missing her.

What can I do?

A heated political argument will mean very different things to different people. Discussing politics with family members can often be a delicate endeavour, and while everyone is entitled to their views and beliefs, any discussion needs to be conducted respectfully. This latter part seems to be what has gone awry, at least from your parents' perspective. 

As we grow up and live our own independent adult lives, we hope that our relationship with our parents also matures, allowing us to connect on a more mature and mutually respectful basis. I wonder if your relationship with your parents has fully evolved or if you are still seen as the child who shouldn’t challenge their authority.

Children should not suffer or lose out because of an issue between grown-ups. You emphasise how much your children love their afternoon with their granny, and I imagine granny greatly enjoys that special time too, so she must be deeply upset to withdraw this particular connection as a result of your argument with your father. That said, it is not OK to use children as leverage in any argument, if that is what is happening.

I don’t see what happened as being about who was right or wrong in the political discussion; I see this as being about what is right. To move forward and protect your relationship with your parents, as well as the relationship your children have with their grandparents, it may be worth initiating a repair.

Relational ruptures (think of rows, misunderstandings, frustrations or bigger arguments) are, while a normal part of relationships, very upsetting. A repair must follow a rupture. It brings not only healing, but also growth and development within the relationship.

In this instance, initiating repair with your parents is not about you saying you (or they) were wrong; it is about understanding the misunderstanding. 

It can be framed within this narrative of not being on the same page about your political beliefs; you may never be, but it is important to you that everyone's beliefs can be expressed respectfully without hurting the other person.

More than this, it is essential to you that your children not become embroiled in any adult disagreement, and you want to ensure that they can still have the close and loving connection they enjoy with their grandparents. 

On this basis, you are suggesting that you all draw a line under the disagreement, accept that you disagree, and acknowledge that the discussion became heated, leaving you all feeling offended and hurt, which is something you regret. 

Perhaps own your part in this (if it is appropriate) and say that while you are not apologising for your views, you are apologising that the row hurt your Dad. You may want to reflect that you also left feeling upset and hurt.

Be aware, though, that relational repair is not conditional. If you can only approach this on the condition that he apologises, you are not yet ready.

However, if this relationship matters more to you than being right does, if it is to be stronger than the row, initiating relational repair is worth doing. 

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]