Joanna Fortune: What happened to my sweet little girl?

You haven’t lost your “sweet little girl”, she is still there but she is growing up and she is now experiencing rollercoaster emotional, social, and physiological changes.

My 10-year-old daughter’s behaviour has changed dramatically over the past few months. 

She now rolls her eyes and sighs almost every time I ask her a simple question, and has started complaining about her “annoying” younger siblings. 

It’s probably a pre-teen phase, but I’m missing my cuddly, sweet little girl.

So much is written and said about the critical early years of our children’s lives, and again when they reach those tricky teenage years, but very little attention is given to the middle stage of childhood, the years between eight and 12.

As a result, we often feel underprepared and surprised by the changes that occur during this stage of development.

Our very young children tend to think their parents are fantastic; they hang on our every word and accept the answers we give to their questions. 

But during this middle stage of childhood, you might well find that they still bring their questions to us, though they are less convinced by our answers and tend towards second-guessing us.

In addition, our children will likely swing between displays of maturity and independence and the seemingly younger, more petulant behaviours such as tantrums.

All of this is perfectly healthy and normal, but not always pleasant to deal with as a parent.

You haven’t lost your “sweet little girl”, she is still there but she is growing up and she is now experiencing rollercoaster emotional, social, and physiological changes.

It sounds like your 10-year-old is very much on schedule in this so-called tween stage of development.

Your previously agreeable little girl is growing and evolving into this more abrasive and tetchier pre-teen, but hold in mind, she is still your girl, and she is negotiating this stage of development as best she can right now.

She will still need and benefit from clear, calm, consistent parental boundaries and limits. 

You should wait until things are calm, perhaps get her out of the house and gently but firmly assert that in your family, you all speak to and treat each other with respect.

Remind her that you never roll your eyes when she talks, as it’s disrespectful to do so. Then, with empathy, speak to her about how she is growing up and experiencing changes in her body, but also in how she thinks and feels about the world and people.

Let her know that you understand how tricky and confusing this can be, and that you always love her. She can come to you with any questions or feelings she might have.

Gently remind her that it’s your job to help her through these changes, and when she gets it wrong, you will remind her how your family treats each other.

Offer hugs, smiles and eye contact every day. Ask her about her day and tell her a bit about yours. 

Plan moments of meeting and connection with her (a film, listening to her favourite music in the car, a pamper session where you paint her nails). Emotional connection is the best route to behavioural correction.

Find ways to enjoy her and let her know how much you enjoy her company. These will all help you through these hormonal years.

You might also find this episode of my 15-Minute Parenting podcast helpful.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]