Joanna Fortune: My son has stopped playing football since he was called 'crap' by a friend

Since then, he has become very withdrawn and finds it hard to go outside even to play with friends, as he doesn’t feel good enough now

Tue, 02 Sep, 2025 - 15:30

3156116_1_org_Joanne_Fortune_Circle_headshot

Joanna Fortune

Child psychotherapist

What approach would you take for my eight-year-old son? He was at football practice, and another boy called him 'crap'. I thought he handled it very well at the time, but since then, he has become very withdrawn and finds it hard to go outside even to play with friends, as he doesn’t feel good enough now.

It sounds like he responded appropriately in the moment, but is now struggling to process the effect this has had on him. Children at his age are generally better able to self-regulate their emotions than they were when they were under seven, but they are still relatively new to this skill and often need our help in doing so.

Additionally, he is not only trying to make sense of his own experience but also seeking to understand why the other boy behaved this way towards him. This process is called ‘mentalisation’ and an eight-year-old is still very young to achieve this on their own.

I suggest you get him out for a ‘talk-walk’ together. Reflect back on what happened at the football practice, and narrate exactly what happened as you have understood it, pausing to ask him if you have left any important parts out. In this way, you bring him back to that upsetting moment.

Do not try to insert your own insights at this point; just sit in that state of open curiosity and listen, reflecting only what you have heard him say.

Name how you would feel if that happened to you, i.e. hurt, embarrassed, confused as to why a teammate or friend would speak like this. Commend him again for how he handled it in the moment. Then wonder.

Wondering is a great way to bring our children deeper into an emotional experience. It is also a way of engaging their curiosity, which immediately puts them into a more playful state of mind.

Wonder if he replays the scene in his head, like a movie. If he were the director of this movie, at what point would he yell 'Cut', and how would he change the scene? Wonder how this would change his feelings about it. This approach can help him gain mastery over the event and start to role-play different ways to respond should a similar event happen again.

Next, wonder how the other boy might have been thinking and feeling in the moment he behaved that way and how he might have been thinking or feeling afterwards.

Start reflecting with him that sometimes, when our feelings get hurt, the hurt can linger long after the incident has passed. Hurt feelings can make us shout at others, or they can leave us feeling tired, quiet, and wanting to hide from the world for a bit. Validate that his feelings make sense, are important, and are understood.

Say what would help you if you felt like this, as this gives him some suggestions and ideas, and then switch back to wondering what might help him feel better.

In general, focus on strengthening and enhancing his self-esteem so that he knows his worth is not decided by others.

I also suggest increasing sensory play at home (such as sand, water, bubbles, Play-Doh, slime, oobleck, and other messy play methods), as this is very effective in taking children out of their busy minds and anchoring them in the present moment in their body. Such play is a powerful way to work out any residual tension your son might be holding in his body.