Joanna Fortune: My son lost contact with his pals when he quit the local football team

Joanna Fortune: "Maintain existing connections off the field — given he will not have the opportunities to connect with his peer group that the team sport allowed, consider setting up a pizza and movie/gaming night in your home. He can invite his friends from the team over to yours and they can hang out together for a couple of hours."

My 12-year-old son is going through a difficult time. Just before the summer he decided to quit playing with the local football team as he found the match preparation and matches too stressful. Also, he was often left on the sidelines or taken off early, which only made things worse.

The trouble is that most of his friends played football — and without the training sessions, he's lost all social contact with them.

I've suggested taking up a new sport, but he says he's not interested. What would you suggest?

Firstly, I think he is a lucky boy to have a parent who is so supportive and tuned into how he is feeling. As adults, we recognise the myriad of pro-social benefits that participating in team sports offers but if your child does not enjoy participating in the sport (regardless of how good they are/are not at the sport, some kids can enjoy participating without being particularly strong in the sport in question), those pro-social benefits wane significantly.

When our children tell us that they are done with an activity that we know they could still gain so much from, the temptation to persuade or even pressure them to stick with it can be huge.

However, this is about us pursuing our own (well-intentioned) agenda and we can run the risk of our children feeling unheard or dismissed by us when we push this onto them. When we do this, they won't lean back into the sport however, nor will they lean into us.

What I read in your letter is that you have heard him and are looking to support him in finding something else... while you recognise that he does need a something else and that does not seem forthcoming from him right now. I work (and try to live) through a playful mindset as much as possible and have a motto to guide me, 'make it fun to get it done'. That’s what I am going to suggest to you and your son now.

Accept that he is done with this team sport (at least for now) and empathise that leaving the team has cost him social opportunities with his team mates. Now, sit together and brain storm what comes next. It is okay for him to outgrow an interest/activity but he must replace it with something else rather than retreat into his room or pull away from social engagement. I will add that you should ensure you are only offering him choices that are available and affordable.

· Explore his passions — Is there another (non-sports) activity he could join? Would he be open to Scouts/drama/art class/Coder DoJo in your area? Finding him a way of connecting with children who share his interests is a great way to support him in making new connections and friendships

· Maintain existing connections off the field — given he will not have the opportunities to connect with his peer group that the team sport allowed, consider setting up a pizza and movie/gaming night in your home. He can invite his friends from the team over to yours and they can hang out together for a couple of hours

Children (and teenagers) benefit hugely from having personal interests they feel strongly invested in. These passions can help boost motivation by giving them a sense of purpose and belonging, which matters greatly for all children but at that juncture of transitioning into adolescence (like your son is about to do) these personal interests and hobbies can also support identity and a sense of connection with like minded peers. These are also constructive ways to support self-esteem and mental-health and gives them an outlet beyond school to connect with friends, which can feel very validating.

So, whatever his passions and personal interests are, encourage and support him in finding a way of safely exploring them with like-minded others.

All while having fun!