Joanna Fortune: My teenager doesn't want to get a summer job  

"The question is how to be heard through the soundproof walls of adolescence. Stay interested in what interests him."

My teenage son is going through a non-communicative phase. He answers ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when I ask him a question, but says little beyond this. 

By contrast, I can hear him laughing and chatting freely whenever his friends call him or when they are gaming online. 

He is also showing no interest in finding a summer job or even doing paid work around the house. It’s tough to see him in such a low mood.

I’m not sure if what you describe is a ‘low mood’, but if it is, it doesn't seem to be pervasive across all facets of his life. For example, he still laughs and chats with friends. This is typical adolescent behaviour, whereby he is pulling away from you (his family) and towards his peer group.

I know that it can be painful when our teenagers reject us, but keep in mind that your son has friends who enjoy being with him, just as he enjoys being with them.

Would he be open to inviting his friends over to your home? Even if it’s just for a gaming night where you provide the snacks, it will enable you to get to know them and to support their connection in person, rather than just online.

The question is how to be heard through the soundproof walls of adolescence. Stay interested in what interests him. This does not mean being intrusive, so keep the conversation light and avoid asking too many questions, as he may perceive this as more of an interrogation than a conversation.

Pay attention to any related media content that might interest him and send him a link to something he might enjoy. Even sending the occasional meme (don’t bombard him or try too hard) lets him know that you’re thinking about him while respecting his desire for more space.

When talking with our teenagers, try to follow the mantra ‘your toes follow your nose’. Ensure that you turn fully to face them when speaking, giving them your full attention for a few moments.

Smile at him every day and tell him that you love him, without any expectation that he will reciprocate. Offer a hug daily; he may well turn you down most days, but he knows that your hug is available whenever he needs or wants it.

The school summer holidays can feel very long when parenting a teenager who is either too young or too reluctant to get a job. Setting boundaries around how he spends time at home during these days can help. For example, he must get up, dress, eat with his family, and get outdoors each day.

One way to incentivise him to get work is to curtail the amount of money you make available to him. I don’t mean to cut him off, but to be clear that you are not his personal ATM and that you will give him some pocket money in exchange for doing chores. Beyond that, he should consider getting a summer job.

When adolescents get a job, it’s more than earning money; it affords them independence, opportunities to gain real-world experience, and to develop greater autonomy and responsibility.

Depending on the job, it may also afford new connections with people beyond his typical peer group. If he has something he really wants to buy, linking it to getting work could motivate him to save for it.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]