Joanna Fortune: My daughters are constantly arguing with each other 

Sibling arguments... "It doesn't take much to set them off. It breaks my heart to see them behave this way. The last time they fought, they refused to talk to each other for a week. I know it's probably related to their hormone changes, but the tension is wearing me down."

My two daughters were very close to each other during their childhood. Now at 12 and 14, they argue a lot. It doesn’t take much to set them off. It breaks my heart to see them behave this way. The last time they fought, they refused to talk to each other for a week. I know it may be related to hormone changes, but the tension is wearing me down.

Siblings are our first experience of both a friend and an enemy — but hold in mind that the sibling relationship is typically the longest relationship we will have throughout our lives. 

This relationship can withstand many highs and lows along the way.

As young children, your girls will have found a compatible playmate in each other, and this resonated with their respective developmental stages. Now you have one child in the throes of early adolescence and another on the cusp of adolescence. 

How they are behaving towards each other again resonates with their developmental stage, albeit far less pleasantly than how they related as small children.

Around adolescence, children increasingly pull away from their family as their primary hub of emotional and social development, and lean more on peers. 

This phase does not mean parents should also pull back; we need to be visible and available to our teenage children. 

We can support them in their process of separation from us and keep the doors of communication and connection open so they can find their way back to us when they are ready.

It is often challenging to see our children change and behave in ways that seem more abrasive than when they were younger. But keep in mind that they are also struggling.

You may see a correlation between your daughters’ inability to overtly challenge or negotiate tensions in their peer group projected onto each other. 

In other words, it is easier for them to fight with each other than risk an argument with a friend because a sibling will still be your sibling, but a friendship could end.

It is imperative you don’t get pulled into their arguments as a referee. Hold boundaries and set clear expectations for how your family communicates, interacts, and treats each other with respect. 

When an argument is getting loud and volatile, call a pause and suggest they take time apart (if they have their own rooms) or take one out for a cool-down walk with you (alternate which child after each row). This should act as a circuit breaker, allowing them to release some of the frustration they are holding.

These relational ruptures will continue to happen, but it sounds like they need support negotiating the route to relational repair so that they can reconcile after a fall-out.

Refusing to speak to each other for a week allows the tension and heightened emotion to percolate, and in that state, it wouldn’t take more than a sideways glance to set them off again.

Take a look at how you spend time as a family. Do you go out as a family, or watch a TV show that reminds everyone of shared interests? Or perhaps block off time once a week to play a board game or watch a movie of someone’s choosing.

Ensure you take time out and apart from your children as it is essential they each know that no matter how things are with each other right now, they both have a safe base in you.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]