Joanna Fortune: My son is finding it difficult to get over the death of our family dog 

"The loss of a family pet is significant for adults and children. For some, losing a pet who was loved and who provided love and companionship can be as deep as the loss of a person"

Our much-loved family dog died of natural causes during the summer. My eight-year-old son is finding it difficult to get over the loss. 

We buried the dog’s ashes in the garden and erected a small gravestone. Every time my son sees it, he tears up. I’m not sure what to do besides getting a puppy.

The loss of a family pet is significant for adults and children. For some, losing a pet who was loved and who provided love and companionship can be as deep as the loss of a person.

This is often the case for children, who are still developing their understanding of what death means. So, how a child processes the loss of a beloved pet largely depends on age and development.

It is essential to validate your son’s sadness and respond with acceptance and empathy.

It can be very helpful for children when parents share their feelings — in an age-appropriate way — as it can assist them in making sense of their emotional responses. 

You could tell him you are also sad and miss your lovely dog and add that feeling this way brings to mind some happy memories. While sitting with him, you can both share some positive memories.

You could ask him to draw a picture of one of your shared memories and stick it up in the kitchen. This way, you are affording him a supportive space to share his thoughts and feelings.

You had a ceremony and buried the ashes in your garden with a small headstone. This seems a sensitive way to mark your dog’s passing together. 

However, if he tears up every time he sees it, I wonder if the headstone is too strong a visual for him. Has he said how he feels about this? Would having a tree there, instead, be easier for him? 

These are just questions; you will know what is right for your family.

Getting a new pet can be a helpful way to start moving forward, but I suggest you all sit together and discuss this new puppy and the relationship you will have with it.

Maybe frame it in the context of how much love you all have to give a pet and how it was such an important part of your family that you wonder how each member feels about it.

Everyone needs to be ready for this, so it doesn’t feel like a replacement for your beloved dog.

Hold space for his questions, even repeated ones, as he works through this experience.

Here are some books that could help these conversations:

• How Are You Feeling? by Molly Potter
• The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
• Kate, the Ghost Dog: Coping With the Death of a Pet by Wayne L. Wilson
• The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]