Joanna Fortune: My two sons are in their teens and still argue — what can I do?

Our two sons have never really got on. There's a five-year age gap, which probably doesn't help...

Dr Joanna Fortune: "Your younger son sounds like he is trying to find ways to provoke a reaction but also a connection with his older brother, who, in turn, finds his younger sibling immature and irritating." Picture: Getty Images

My two sons have never really got on. There's a five-year age gap, which probably doesn't help. They are now in their teens, and the arguments sometimes get physical. The younger boy likes to wind up the older one, who has a temper. I've begged them to stop, but there's a lingering resentment between them. What can I do?

Your sons have a significant age gap (at this stage of their development) and may feel they have very little in common with each other. Your younger son sounds like he is trying to find ways to provoke a reaction but also a connection with his older brother, who, in turn, finds his younger sibling immature and irritating.  What is happening makes sense for where they are developmentally.

The sibling relationship is likely to last longer than other relationships your children will have throughout their lives. Much research has been conducted on long-term life outcomes for children who grow up with siblings. It highlights that while the sibling relationship will most likely be the longest relationship your child has, it is also a unique type of relationship. 

The sibling relationship is probably the most uninhibited one children will have. Because of this lack of inhibition, they often profoundly influence each other in terms of how each thinks, feels and ultimately behaves. 

You can support the emotional tone of their relationship by increasing their empathic awareness of each other. Wondering is an effective way to do this. For example, you can ask how each imagines the other might feel about a situation. I like to approach this through role reversal. I listen to each child’s side of the argument and, without comment, ask them to tell me the same story but from their sibling’s point of view. The challenge here is they cannot interject with their justifications and must tell the story, start to finish, as they perceive the other’s perspective to be. 

Next, I wonder how they feel about the situation, how their sibling might feel about it and what action would change both children’s feelings. This approach is an effective way to support your sons without getting pulled into resolving their arguments. It also increases their empathy for each other and their critical-thinking abilities.

Think about the amount of time your children spend in each other’s company, even if that is simply sitting in close proximity and not directly engaging with each other. It might surprise you to realise that by middle childhood, they have spent more time with and around each other than they do with their parents.

Pay attention to the tasks you see them enjoying together, such as gaming, baking, sports, watching a movie, playing football, or listening to music. Once the conflict at hand has been resolved, redirect them towards these tasks. This allows them to engage in repair in a doing rather than a saying way. 

Siblings will fight, but reminding them of how they also enjoy each other can ensure enough balance between warmth and conflict. This perspective will help counteract any long-term impact on their relationship as they grow and develop into adulthood.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]