Joanna Fortune: My daughter's best friend only has time for her new boyfriend 

"The urge to jump in and rescue [children] from emotional struggles is understandable, but the best thing that we can do for them is to be present and available to support them in finding their way through these difficult experiences."

My daughter started secondary school with her best friend three years ago. They were inseparable throughout primary school, and I expected they would stay close. 

However, about six months ago, her friend started dating a boy in her class, and they no longer meet in their free time. My daughter feels abandoned and is deeply hurt. 

She doesn’t have a large circle of friends, so it’s all the harder for her to deal with. How can I comfort her?

It is hard to watch our children struggle, no matter how old they are.

The urge to jump in and rescue them from emotional struggles is understandable, but the best thing that we can do for them is to be present and available to support them in finding their way through these difficult experiences.

The early years of secondary school (first to third year) are especially challenging for teenagers. Friendships come under huge pressure as they grow and change at their own pace.

The summer after second year can see some students return to school acting like typical 14-years-olds, while others behave as though they were 24. 

Their pseudo-maturity can drive separation and division between previous friends as they no longer share the same interests and outlooks.

There is also the added complication of our friends forming new connections with others, which pulls them away from us, particularly when they start a new romantic connection.

Losing a friend at this age is difficult and painful and can feel like heartbreak. This young girl is having an all-consuming experience that is exciting for her.

She is likely only thinking of herself and investing in her new relationship and isn’t considering your daughter’s feelings. 

This is also a significant change for the friend — most likely, it is not her intention to hurt your daughter. However, she may need more time to balance integrating someone new into your life and maintaining space for those who have always been there.

While you cannot ‘fix’ this situation, you can support your daughter through it with acceptance (‘This is a very painful experience’) and empathy (feeling alongside her and meeting her where she is emotionally). 

Things are changing, and it’s OK to feel sad because emotional change is often much harder to adjust to than physical change.

Respond with lots of nurture and compassion. Suggest a movie and snacks night together, cuddled under a blanket on the sofa. Get her up and moving by going for walks, swims, or even dancing around the kitchen.

Reflect with her that this has been a tough school year — her friend has been distracted by a new relationship, and she has been feeling abandoned.

Encourage her to connect with others in her class with whom she shares interests and would enjoy spending time. You could consider hosting a pizza and movie night in your home. 

She can invite some other friends over. It would help if she could use this summer break to nurture new connections and develop a broader peer group before returning to school in September.

Sometimes, our teens can benefit from hearing about our experiences, and it might be worth sharing a suitable story of how you have also experienced the loss of a friendship when a friend became consumed by a new relationship.

Encourage her to move forward with new friends but to hold space for her old long-term friend to come back at some point.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]