Colman Noctor: Coaching soccer has changed my view on the value of winning

Colman Noctor: "As a children’s soccer coach, I have learned that winning is not everything for children but a nice bonus." Pic: iStock

ANYONE familiar with my column will know I have critical views on the over-competitiveness of children’s sports. I have written about my disdain for the ‘win at all costs’ approach adopted by some organisations. However, my recent experience as a coach of an under-14 soccer team has made me reconsider — I now see the merits of winning.

My involvement with my son’s soccer team was accidental. He started playing at under-10 in 2019, and I attended his training sessions as a parent. I stayed around for the sessions simply because we lived too far away to make going home impractical. In the second season, his head coach asked if I wouldn’t mind ‘helping out’. I explained at the time that soccer was ‘not my sport’ and that most of my playing days were spent on a rugby field. 

He reassured me that it didn’t matter as most of what he needed was another pair of hands to put out cones for various drills, lining out pitches, and handing out bibs, which I was happy to do. However, as is commonly the case with sports volunteers, my involvement became more strategic over time. I was asked for my opinions on various team selections or strategies. I gave my tuppence worth to these discussions while still only learning about the intricacies of the game myself.

I was wary of becoming involved in the game. I am naturally competitive, so I was anxious about becoming a version of loud-mouthed Phil Weston, the Will Ferrell character from Kicking and Screaming. I have also heard many parents complain about how coaches sometimes favour their children in children’s sports. With this in mind, I regularly suggested that the other coaches take my son off during games instead of other players during the early days.

Thankfully, being a coach of his soccer team has not negatively impacted my relationship with my son. It has improved as we now spend more one-on-one time together through attending training and matches. Becoming a Premiership footballer is not an aspiration for either of us, so the primary purpose is for him to enjoy the game.

Winning isn’t everything

My first experience coaching my son’s team was between 2020 and 2021, while the country was in on-off lockdowns. These were the last years of the ‘non-comp’ stage of the team’s development, so no scores were recorded, and wins and losses held little significance. But in the second season, we entered the ‘grading’ phase, and things started to heat up competitively. I met some outstanding coaches and others who were ‘less wonderful’. As it got more competitive, the sideline commentary became more colourful. Much of this was from parents of opposition players rather than coaches.

During the under-13 season, our team were placed in a division made up of much stronger teams. Throughout the season, they were on the receiving end of some unflattering scorelines, and by the end of the year, we hoped they wouldn’t get beaten by ‘too much’.

Over that season, I learned a lot about this group of children. Despite some tough scorelines, they turned up in great numbers to training and matches week after week and gave it their all. This commitment confirmed what I already suspected: winning isn’t everything for most children. Their bond and opportunity to play a game they enjoy were more important than winning.

This ’23/’24 season has been entirely different. Our team’s division is more suitable for their ability level. While they do not win every match, they are on track to win the lower division title in the season’s final game later this week.

Given the tough year they endured last season, I would love to see them get rewarded for the hard work they have put in this year. Watching these lads grow and develop as young men and form a camaraderie worthy of remark has been a pleasure. It would be fitting for them to get what I believe they deserve. While I realise that we don’t always get what we deserve in life, selfishly, part of me hopes that life won’t choose the season’s final match to provide these young lads with that learning moment.

From my coaching experience, I have learned that it is natural for children to want to win occasionally. However, it becomes a problem when they need to win, and that’s an important distinction. As a children’s football team coach, I know it is also OK to want to win. But I think the critical difference is that you want to win for the benefit of the children on the team and not to inflate your ego.

Team player development

While the young lads on our team have learned a lot over the time I have known them, they have also taught me a lot. Some players who would have been perceived to be ‘weaker’ at under-10 have improved exponentially over time. I have also observed how many of these young boys who played as individuals at first grew into team players. Their impressive development highlights the errors some clubs make by streaming players as young as nine and writing them off too early.

I have also learned that some injustices result from the administration system of the sport, not the individuals. It is easy to be critical of coaches for their selections, game time, etc, but it is easier to do from the ditch than the dugout. An example is the rules stipulating that only 16 players can be named on the match card for each match. We have 18 players on our panel, so two lads will, unfortunately, miss out on the last game of the season, a difficult choice when every player has given so much throughout the season. The players not on the match card have been told that if we win on Thursday, everyone on the panel will get a medal and wear a jersey for the celebrations. We win as 18 players, and we lose as 18 players.

We met up for a light training session a few nights ago, and the players enjoyed some relaxing games and got time to hang out together as a group. The session’s theme was that we are a team, and it is crucial to recognise the bonds that have formed.

When I contributed to the team talk, I reminded the boys that if we lost out on the last game of the season, it would not mean we had had a bad season — they needed to be proud of themselves regardless of the result. Other coaches explained how only one team could win a league, but that doesn’t mean that every other team is rubbish, far from it. I reminded the group of the pleasure of being involved with them for the last few years, and I hoped they would see that progress in themselves, too.

As a children’s soccer coach, I have learned that winning is not everything for children but a nice bonus. Despite being beaten out of the gate last year, these lads returned to play the following season. I believe it was the fun and the friendship that motivated them to continue. I have always thought if you gave a child an option to play a match, even if they were guaranteed to lose, most would still want to play.

Sport is a unique opportunity to teach us about camaraderie, success and disappointment. That said, I really hope they win the final title-deciding game of this season. Most importantly, if we, as coaches, have upheld our responsibilities correctly, the boys will know their self-worth does not depend on the result of a match.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist