Joanna Fortune: Teenager is good at school but a nightmare at home

Parents often describe a sharp contrast between their child’s school and home behaviour

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I’m the principal of a small school. One mother phones and visits me in tears, talking about how hard it is to parent her teenage boy. His grades and behaviour are good in school, but his mother says he is a nightmare at home. I have suggested a good therapist. What else can I do? The mother is a Spanish speaker with poor English, so I can’t recommend any books. What would you suggest?

Your email shows your commitment to supporting the boy and his mother. Too often, we underestimate the crucial role that strong, emotional connections between educators and students play in determining schooling and life outcomes. Collaborative connections between schools and parents should always be encouraged.

I often hear from parents who describe a sharp contrast between their child’s school and home behaviour. In this case, the boy is working hard to function and behave well in school, but the cost of that effort may leave him emotionally drained, leading to challenging and destructive conduct at home.

I wonder if Spanish is this boy’s first language. Even if his English is good, a lot more effort is involved in learning and studying in a second language than in one’s primary language. If this is so, it’s understandable that he is irritable at home by the end of the day. In addition, his mother may be unable to assist with homework due to a language barrier, which would place even greater pressure on him.

It can be very difficult to develop a support network of friends and community connections when you don’t speak the language of the country you live in. It can also be isolating.

Are there any community-based organisations you could connect the boy’s mother with, so she can start building an independent life and support in the area? Investing in her community is also a way of investing in her son.

I would suggest referring the boy to an adolescent psychotherapist or psychologist, through CAHMS, who could offer a structured space for him to explore what challenges he may be dealing with. Waiting times for a referral are often long, so private services are the other option, but these are costly.

Does your school have a guidance counsellor or pastoral service that could offer him support within the school community?

For parenting resources in Spanish try:

• Books: Vivir con Adolescente by Sonia Cervantes and Tu Cerebro by Amanda Cespedes (a book for teenagers to understand themselves but also useful for parents)
• Podcasts: anchor.fm/instituto-de-desarrollo-infatil-karyn-purvis

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]