'Help, my 15-year-old daughter is out of control — we feel like we are losing our child'

You are not her best friend. You are her parent and you decide the rules in the house.

Richard Hogan: Children crave boundaries, it helps them to understand the world and their place in it. Photograph Moya Nolan

Dear Richard, can you please help me? My 15-year-old daughter is out of control. She is on her phone too much, and I can hear her fighting with her friends and the language she uses is really awful, I don’t know where she gets it from because myself and my husband never use language like that. I have two younger children and they are starting to use bad language. She stays in her room all day, never comes down to be with the family, and now has started to not go into school. She has no interest in anything outside of her nails, makeup and eyelashes. She slams doors and says awful things to me. We really feel like we are losing our child, it is causing fights between myself and my husband. He is too soft with her, always dropping her places and collecting her and giving her money. There are no consequences for her behaviour. I have heard you speaking about this so many times, but I need your help. Please help me save my family.

Your letter could have been written by so many mothers around this country. The first thing to really consider before you ever start to coherently parent your child is, why do you and your husband approach parenting so differently? It is a really important first question to ask. Is it that your husband doesn’t see it as such a serious issue? Are his concerns the same as yours? Or is it that he wants to be her friend? Or doesn’t like conflict?